Tatiana wrote a very interesting article especially for the site “”. The article is devoted to the most important topic and will help us figure out what to do if the child does not want to go to kindergarten. I think a lot of parents have already faced this.
So, a word to Tatyana)
Good afternoon everyone!
Initially, I planned a post on a different topic, but a call from a friend at first distracted me from my thoughts, and then pushed me to write this article.
Lena (this is the name of my friend) was absolutely upset that her daughter recently did not want to go to the garden. For a long time, with all the picturesque details, she told what she was turning into every morning with them. Children's tantrums at the beginning of the working day do not add a charge of cheerfulness and optimism, and they do not affect the child's psyche in the best way. “It's a pity, of course, to quit work, but apparently there is no other way out,” Lena summed up her story sadly. - Or maybe you have any advice?
Of course, it is difficult to advise without knowing all the details of a similar situation, but the main reasons why a child most often flatly refuses to go to the garden can be distinguished.
The first reason is lack of sleep.
Is it trite? Meanwhile, this is perhaps the most common reason for morning hysteria. The little one who has not had enough sleep himself does not understand what the reason for his bad mood is, but he realizes one thing clearly - he does not want to go to the garden at all. If, when you come to pick up your baby, you see him happy, playing and completely in no hurry to go home, try to adjust his daily routine.
Do not give in when the child asks for "another cartoon" in the evening - put him down, turn off the light and do not succumb to provocations like drinking 5 times and going to the toilet 10 times. If the baby is not at all happy with the new order, you can quietly sit next to him, sing a lullaby or tell a short story. But be careful: the story should be short, and only you should tell it - no discussions with the baby, otherwise the conversation runs the risk of dragging on.
Resist the temptation to turn on the cartoon - literally in a week the child will get used to falling asleep earlier, and in the morning, by the time he wakes up, he will be quite happy with life.
The second reason is problems in the garden.
Here, of course, it will be more difficult, but first you need to find out what exactly is bothering the baby. Here, such unexpected reasons may surface that an adult will not think of as a problem, but for a child they become a whole tragedy.
Some kids do not like to obey the general routine in the garden, others categorically do not like kindergarten food, and still others have a conflict with the teacher. Moreover, in the latter case, it may even be just a remark made by the teacher, to which the baby reacted too sharply.
Direct questions, such as: "What did Marya Ivanovna tell you today?", Most likely, will not give a result - most likely, the baby either does not remember, or fantasizes. But taking your favorite dolls, bears or toy soldiers and playing with them in kindergarten will be much more effective. Invite your child to be in the role of a teacher and observe how he will spend with his "group" classes, a walk, lunch, sleep. If the baby speaks with his pupils in a raised voice, then, most likely, he hears just such an appeal in kindergarten.
Stay in the game as a child and be capricious during lunch, when it's time to go to bed, get ready for a walk - did the "educator" threaten you with something? Make a conclusion!
If the cause is found, try to gently eliminate it - constructive conversation with the teacher in 95 cases out of 100 helps to solve the problem. If the kid has problems communicating with peers, an experienced teacher will make sure that he does not get bored alone, constantly connecting him to general games.
Does your baby not like how they cook in the garden? Ask not to be forced to finish eating - not a single child died of hunger near a plate of food. Doesn't sleep during the day? Agree that this should not be emphasized and not forced to lie with your eyes closed.
The third reason is not ready.
Yes, you might be surprised, but this reason is quite common. Your such an independent child may actually be completely unprepared to part with his mother for the whole day. In this case, it is best to stop visiting the garden for a while and wait until the moment when the baby can endure separation without hysterics.
Some children flatly refuse to attend kindergarten right up to school. If the mother has the opportunity to leave the baby at home, this solves the problem. But do not forget about the other side of the coin - social adaptation and diversified development. If these moments are left to chance, the child will be completely unprepared for school, and, unlike the kindergarten, it will have to finish in any case.
If you decide not to send your baby to the kindergarten, be sure to visit playgrounds, circles and "development" - the child needs to learn to find a common language with peers. In addition, conduct classes every day at home - in a playful way, you can easily teach your baby the basics of writing, reading, mathematics, a foreign language and various types of creativity. These skills will help him in the future, when the time comes to go to first grade, to keep up with those children who studied all this in the garden.
As you can see, the reasons why the kid refuses to visit the garden can be very different and sometimes unexpected. The main thing at such moments is not to get annoyed, but to try to identify the problem as quickly as possible and find ways to solve it. I hope that such difficulties will not affect you, and your kid will be happy to attend kindergarten!
P.S. As for my friend, she did not have to quit her job - the reason for the morning hysterics was found out and was eliminated. It turned out that when Lena chose comfortable jeans and T-shirts for her daughter for the garden, Lena did not take into account the opinion of a three-year-old princess who wanted to walk exclusively in dresses. The little girl, not wanting to wear "boy" pants, protested as best she could. As soon as my mother bought a pair of elegant sundresses, the concerts stopped, and the little fashionista gathers in the morning without any special whims.
Kindergartens were created for the convenience of parents and the all-round development of kids. Taking into account the constant employment of adults, childcare facilities have received their widespread demand. Perhaps some of us would refuse to use this option and would leave the child with us all day, but not everyone really has this opportunity. Unfortunately, the situation when a little man does not want to go to kindergarten is not uncommon. And the reason lies not so much in the existing conflicts with someone, but in the fact that the child simply does not have enough parental attention and warmth. He wants to spend more time with his mother, and she persistently escorts him to someone else's aunt in the group. However, the options may be different. Below are useful tips from a psychologist, with the help of which parents can understand the reasons for this child's behavior.
Kids often throw tantrums in the morning, refusing to go to kindergarten. What to do if the situation is slowly but surely getting out of control? In any case, do not get annoyed in response and try to get the baby to do what you expect him to do. Listen to him, because he asks for your attention. The more you focus on yourself and everyday problems, the further you get from your own child. If he has difficulties and does not want to go to the garden, then something is really wrong. Do not let the process take its course. Protect your baby's feelings.
Causes
If you take a closer look at your own offspring, you can find a lot of reasons for refusing to attend kindergarten. It seems to us, adults, that the baby is simply capricious and does not want to obey generally accepted norms. In fact, the child can really suffer, and the fact that he does not want to go to kindergarten hides a serious problem.
Rough handling
It is no secret that in modern childcare facilities, babies are not always calm and comfortable. Yes, maybe no one really offends them there, but affectionate treatment is not found everywhere. Educators and nannies today are forced to work for a very modest salary, which is why they have a bad mood, which is carried over to children. It can be very difficult to separate yourself from the situation where you are. Of course, there is no excuse for being rude to children. First of all, you need to preserve the human face and dignity. Not all people can open their hearts to meet children, not everyone works by calling. Sometimes people who do not like children go to kindergartens to work. A large number of children make such employees angry and irritated every day. Who is affected by this? Children, of course! Now imagine that among the whole group there is your beloved child. Should a child, from an early age, endure disrespectful attitude towards himself, all kinds of insults? It turns out unfair! We, adults, make the kid go to the kindergarten, endure various inconveniences there. And then we make lengthy speeches that the child should see and receive all the best in life.
A moment of adaptation
If you just sent your baby to kindergarten, it is hardly surprising that he is crying there. After all, he has to change his usual environment, to part with his mother for the whole day. Just think how scary it is! The atmosphere at home warms and relaxes, while someone else's is alarming and frightening. The child simply cannot feel comfortable and easy in such a situation. Imagine that the most precious thing in life is taken away from you and that you are forced to endure separation from your loved one for a long time. For a toddler of two or three years old, time passes much slower than for us. An hour of separation for him may seem like an eternity, an insurmountable obstacle. One can only guess what unprecedented suffering grips him when his mother seeks to leave as soon as possible.
Group conflicts
Children, like all other people, quarrel among themselves. Sometimes it is quite difficult for them to come to an agreement due to age characteristics, they still do not know how to restrain emotions. If your child does not want to go to the garden, there must be an explanation for this. The advice of other parents is unlikely to come in handy, because everyone's situations are highly individual. Conflicts in a group can unsettle, create a negative attitude towards kindergarten in general and form a persistent unwillingness to go there. Needless to say, children are sometimes extremely cruel towards each other? They do not tolerate the weak, are overly straightforward, express their thoughts aloud without embarrassment. A delicate and domestic child will always be a little uncomfortable among those who do not go into their pockets for words.
Lack of parental attention
Not all children are surrounded by enough love and attention. It's not that their parents don't care about them. It's just that in the conditions of modern reality, it is not always possible to find a free evening in order to communicate with your child, listen to him, and express your feelings. There is such a factor as a banal lack of time. Unfortunately, in modern society people sometimes work so hard that there is simply no time and energy left for anything else. Some parents work from dawn until nightfall and do not have the opportunity to spend much time with their baby. As a result, the child himself suffers: he feels lonely and abandoned. Such a kid can throw tantrums every morning and refuse to go to kindergarten.
How to be parents
Of course, each of us wishes only the best for his precious offspring. Nobody wants to make the baby suffer, bring him additional grief. There are so many moments in life that make us sad. What should caring mothers and fathers do? If it is not possible to shorten the working day in any way, you will have to resort to tricks and come up with ways to stay with your baby longer. How to make him cry less and go to kindergarten with pleasure? To achieve this goal, you need to take a few simple steps.
Dosed approach
It is most reasonable to accustom the baby to kindergarten gradually. Take your time to part with him in the reception group. It is better to leave the house a few minutes earlier and spend more time with him than to rush, rush and offend the child even more. If my mother knew how important this warm contact is for him, how he waits for her every evening after dinner! You should not leave the baby in the garden for a long time, if he has not yet got used to the children's team, is not used to the group regime. It is a great stress for the baby to be separated from the mother altogether, to be away from a loved one. You can sometimes notice how newly arrived children refuse to do anything with everyone, cry and do not want to go to the group. Without a doubt, appetite and sleep are affected.
If your baby is going to kindergarten, try to introduce him to the group and children in advance. There is nothing complicated in this action: at first they leave it for no more than an hour in an unfamiliar environment, then the time is gradually added. So the child will be able to quickly adapt to new conditions. When you can leave him for the whole day, he will get used to it and will happily go to play with his favorite toys.
Creating a calm environment
In order for a child to feel comfortable in the garden, it is necessary to make sure that at home he feels protected from everything in the world, understands that he is loved. Do not be afraid to spoil your baby, often say affectionate words to him. If the baby refuses to go to the group with everyone, pat him on the head, tell him that you will definitely pick him up in the evening. This will give him confidence and strength for the day ahead, in order to spend it with benefit for himself. Going to kindergarten for a kid is the same as for an adult to visit his workplace. Children every day are in a team that they cannot avoid, and they get very tired of each other. Sometimes it is enough to look at the child in the evening to understand this. The kid misses his parents and dreams only of finding himself as soon as possible next to loved ones.
At home, the baby should feel comfortable and at ease. Try to expand his living space as much as possible so that he can move freely through the rooms. During the day, he will accumulate energy that he wants to throw out. When children feel loved at home, they will go to kindergarten with pleasure. This phenomenon is explained by the fact that a favorable atmosphere has a positive effect on the psyche.
Resolving conflicts on time
All difficulties that arise must be clarified in a timely manner. In the event that resentments accumulate, it is difficult to maintain an adequate perception of the situation. People are often subject to delusions and illusions. What can we say about a small child who is just beginning to live? In kindergarten, children may quarrel with each other several times during the day, and this is completely normal. The child is often worried about the unfair attitude of the educators towards him. Be attentive to your child so as not to miss the first visible signs of trouble. If a child is often being unfairly punished, be sure to find out why this is happening and stop any such attempts. A child should not tolerate resentment from adults.
If you become aware that one of the children offends your baby, the case should not be left to chance. Due to inaction, the child may think that everyone has abandoned him and that he is not interesting to anyone. The first thing that a caring parent should do is to try to protect the child from attacks from the offender. When it comes to children, you need to act subtler. Go to pick up the baby yourself, do not entrust this important matter to anyone. This is the only way you can see the true picture and take some steps. It happens that the son or daughter do not want to tell their mother about their social contacts. If the child is silent and does not share any feelings, this is not a good signal that should be taken into account.
Don't let it all take its course
It is much more convenient to pretend that you do not notice anything, that nothing serious is happening. We are all more or less inclined to justify our own inaction. People often serve false values instead of correcting their mistakes. If you notice something strange in a child's behavior, you should not hope that everything will go away on its own. The kid always needs help in everything. Preschool children will not do well if their parents do not support them in new endeavors. Some children know how to hide their mistakes, but they do not do it as skillfully as adults. With babies, you need to always be on the lookout so as not to miss important changes in the development of consciousness.
Trusting relationship
Many parents ask what contributes to establishing better contact with their own child? The answer is so obvious that it will be clear to everyone: a relationship of trust. Children should feel that mom and dad will always accept their choice. The child wants to feel safe at home and is in dire need of parental protection and care. He will "test" through his actions how much you love and accept him for who he is. Some parents do not withstand such serious tests, they break loose, clutch their heads, do not know what to do. All this can be avoided if you know how to approach your own child. Who, no matter how parents, should know and understand him better than anyone else?
Joint walks, various activities and hobbies contribute to the development and formation of higher trust. Children should feel that adults in everything understand and accept their individuality. Try to set aside time for communication with your baby and, if possible, devote at least two hours daily. On weekends, you can take a walk in the park, participate in various competitions, attractions, go to the movies for a cartoon, eat delicious ice cream. Children are very fond of surprises and various family activities. This is the only way they feel loved and in demand in their own family.
Pay more attention
The child should know that the parent will always remain on his side, no matter what act he does. This understanding is born of trust and is very expensive. Even if on Monday you have a lot of things to do and a disgruntled boss, put all your problems out of your head for the weekend and try to focus as much as possible on interacting with your children. It is necessary to pay due attention to everyone, find an individual approach to both your son and daughter. You yourself will be pleased when you see the shining eyes of your heirs, their contented, happy faces. If you spend enough time with the kids, pay attention to them every day, there should be no problems with going to kindergarten. More often than not, children begin to suffer from a lack of parental attention. And when love and care are in abundance, all that remains is to fully enjoy life. In addition, resting with children, you yourself can gain additional strength, recharge the necessary energy.
Kindergarten to your taste
Today there are absolutely no restrictions on the choice of educational institutions. As a parent, you have a unique opportunity to decide which kindergarten to take your child to. Particularly demanding mom and dad can explore all possible premises in advance in order to make their child's stay within the walls of the children's institution as convenient and comfortable as possible. Who cares about the benefits and development of the child, he will stop at the best option. Nobody limits parents in choosing a kindergarten for their baby. After all, it is so important to remain confident that he will be calm and comfortable there, like at home. Take the baby for a few days, see what his reaction to the environment will be. It may very well be that you will stop at some option that will completely suit you. If a child care institution is selected with love, and not at random, then the child will adapt much faster.
Thus, the problem when a child refuses to attend kindergarten has its own solution. There is no need to shout at the crumb, force him to join the group by force or influence in any other negative way. You should always try to understand the situation first, to understand what motivates your baby. It may very well be that having found the true cause of the difficulty that has arisen, you will want to radically change something and make the child's life as joyful and happy as possible.
Sometimes piteous groans are added to the screams about the fact that the precious child has a stomach ache, a headache, and in general he is sick of the garden. Literally and figuratively. And in more severe cases, the child's temperature actually rises, pains in the abdomen appear and chronic diseases become aggravated.
What to do in such a situation? To begin with, figure out why your baby does not agree to join the children's team for any price. And there may be several reasons for this.
Lifestyle change
Children are the greatest conservatives in the world. It only at first glance seems that they are constantly striving for new adventures and experiences. In fact, the usual rhythm, when they know exactly how one event replaces another, is order and calmness in their lives. And here - in the morning, mom takes her to an unfamiliar aunt, where, besides you, your beloved, it turns out, there are still a bunch of other children, leaves there to their fate and it is not known whether you will see her again someday. In the garden, everything is alien - and, probably, therefore, hostile.
Output
Gradually teach your baby to change the regime. If he is used to staying up late and getting up late, he will have to carefully transfer the baby to an earlier rise. It's not scary at all, the regime change takes place within 3-4 days.
When the lifestyle changes dramatically, it is important to keep a “piece of home” for the child. The best option is if you can agree with the head and teacher that you can be present in the group with your child during the first week. By the way, in many kindergartens such agreements are practiced on a completely official basis, and in Waldorf kindergartens, the teachers themselves persistently ask the mother to be in the group with the child for at least ten days.
If for some reason this is not possible, think of some nice little thing that will remind your little one of the house. It can be a soft toy (it's so nice to fall asleep with it!), A familiar food in a small container (preferably, not very dirty - a carrot or apple will do). Or perhaps you want to make a lucky charm for your little one - for example, a small flat toy that you can always carry in a pocket or on a string. When her little master gets sad, let him remember about the "magic talisman", and he will certainly help to cope with sad thoughts.
Unusual food
Remember your childhood - there must have been some special “masterpiece” of local chefs in your kindergarten, which did not make you feel the most pleasant. The notorious froths from milk, jelly, milk porridge or soup with onions - everyone has their own memories. Sometimes educators too zealously try to feed their wards, demand to eat every crumb, at a fast pace - this is also not everyone can do.
Output
If your baby flatly refuses to eat in kindergarten, arrange with the educators so that they do not insist on this process. After all, not a single child of his own free will has died of hunger. At home, in front of the garden, it is quite possible to do without breakfast - there are more chances that by the time of breakfast in the kindergarten the baby will have time to get hungry and want to try something from the common table.
If, according to gardening rules, the child is allowed to take some food from home, then let it be beautifully cut fruits (apples, pears), vegetables (cucumber or carrots), and a banana will do. Try not to give your child sweets like sweets or cookies, these delicacies, of course, can comfort at the first moment, but will cause unhealthy excitement in the team and completely ruin the appetite.
Unloved teacher
This is a serious problem, and ideally it would be good to solve it before the child enters kindergarten. It is not for nothing that psychologists recommend that before assigning a baby to a particular institution, it is imperative to get acquainted not only with the head and the set of toys in the group, but also (which is much more important!) With the future teacher. It is she who will spend most of the time with your child. Sometimes it happens that children literally fly to one teacher at full steam, but they don't even want to approach another, huddle up to their mother.
Output
First, find out why your little one doesn't like the teacher. This is not so easy to do, because not always a small child can talk about his impressions and experiences. But special games will come to your aid. In the evening, in a relaxed atmosphere, play with your baby in a kindergarten with a set of plush animals or plastic men. You will learn a lot of interesting details for yourself! Let the child choose a role for himself - whether he will play for himself, for his "classmate" or for the same teacher.
When you understand the meaning of the conflict, try discussing it with your teacher. If after this there are no positive changes (the teacher treats the child cruelly, does not hear him, allows other children to tease and offend your baby), then the situation, alas, is a dead end. You will have to think about changing the kindergarten or group. Moreover, in this case, it is preferable to change the kindergarten than the group, since in any team there is some kind of corporate ethics - including in kindergarten.
A stranger among his own
Sometimes it happens that a child for some reason does not fit into the children's team, continuing to keep aloof. It can be an individual feature - just each child has different needs for communication, someone needs to communicate more, someone needs to get by with a minimum of "business connections". But if your child has not taken his niche in the children's group during the year, spent all this time, as it were, “behind a glass wall,” just observing the children's life, you should turn to a psychologist - this may indicate autistic character traits.
Output
If it is difficult for a child to make friends with peers, it will be necessary, as always, to take matters into their own hands. Try to gradually expand your social circle (both your own and your child's). Observe which classmate your child likes most and try to befriend his parents. Invite them to visit more often. Perhaps, at first, you will have to take an active part in their games so that your "savage" gradually and himself can be included in them.
Another important moment of the transition period is to accustom the baby to the idea that it is far from always only with his mother that he can be comfortable and interesting. Ask your dad or grandmother to come up with an exciting game with your child while you are away. A good option is an early development studio, where children gradually join the children's team, without losing contact with their mother. Other children and their games should be, from your point of view, very attractive and enjoyable activities. Draw the baby's attention to how the children are having fun and fun together, how great they are playing.
What not to do
- Give in to persuasion and provocation. If you, despite all the children's groans and plaintive lamentations, nevertheless brought the child to the door of the kindergarten, but at the last moment your parental heart could not stand it and you turned back together with the child, this is a very dangerous path. The kid will understand that with tears and screaming he can achieve what he wants, and next time he will only have to slightly increase the volume and intensity of crying.
- Take your child to the garden every other day or a couple of times a week. In order for the kindergarten to become an inevitable reality, the baby must appear there every day (of course, except on weekends). Better to pick it up early at first. It's okay if for the first weeks or even months you will not leave it there for a nap. Only when the child fully adapts to the new conditions of life, try to pick him up after a nap.
- Himself to be afraid of separation from the child. Children are extremely sensitive. All our emotions are transmitted to them at some subconscious level - both anxiety and calmness. The heartbreaking scene with tears in the locker room is not the best way to start the day for your little one. Let the child go with the confidence that everything will be fine with him.
Inessa Smyk
Kindergarten - this is the first institution in the life of a child, which imposes on him the observance of certain rules and internal foundations, which should be strictly followed. Few kids will like this. Therefore, in order to smooth out the first impression of kindergarten and a new way of life, you need to follow simple rules. With their help, the adaptation of the child in kindergarten will take place as soon as possible.
A kid can get upset in a new place, and instead of positive emotions, he will receive negative. This will lead to the fact that the child refuses to go to kindergarten, and every morning the mother will expect another childish tantrum. The kid can not only cry and speak out about his unwillingness to attend kindergarten, but can also complain of abdominal pain, nausea and dizziness. Moreover, it is not necessary that it will be invented by him. In fact, every tenth child who categorically does not want to go to kindergarten may experience an increase in body temperature, nausea accompanied by vomiting, abdominal pain and exacerbation of any chronic diseases. To avoid such troubles, parents need to pay attention to the main reasons why the child does not want to go to kindergarten.
Why the child does not want to go to kindergarten - reasons
There may be several main reasons. Therefore, in order to choose the correct tactics with a child, it is necessary to accurately identify the consequence, because of which the child does not want to go to kindergarten.
1. Nutrition.
One of the most common reasons why a child refuses to go to kindergarten is an obvious change of dishes. This does not mean that kindergarten food is bad or, on the contrary, much healthier than homemade food. Simply, it is really different: in taste, in consistency, in the range of products and in its appearance. This can scare the baby and discourage them from visiting the institution. Some children find it very difficult to start trying something new in large quantities. They need to get used to it slowly and gradually.
Kindergarten adaptation takes about two months. Therefore, parents need to be patient and in no case force the baby to eat food that is unusual for him. Mom can find out the kindergarten menu in advance and try to cook these dishes at home. So the baby will more easily adapt to nutrition. It is necessary to start preparing food, as in kindergarten, 1-2 months before the first visit. It will not be difficult to find out a detailed menu, it is hung out every day in the children's locker room, near the dining room, and also posted on the institution's website. But even despite this, the baby may flatly refuse to eat in the garden. Mom should mentally prepare for this and wait a few days.
There are many disputes on this topic, both between educators and between parents. Some may advise feeding the baby at home, while others are categorically against it. After all, if the baby eats breakfast at home, then most likely he will not touch food in kindergarten in the morning. If the baby grants his attention to a kindergarten afternoon snack, then feeding him a full portion at home, you can easily provoke excess weight gain due to overfeeding and get digestive problems.
A way out of the situation would be to discuss with the educators in advance so that they do not force the child to eat. It is possible that the baby is rejecting some product (cabbage, boiled onions in soup or foam in milk). If it is permissible in the garden to take some food from home, then the child can be supplied with a small portion of chopped fruits or vegetables. It is highly undesirable to take cookies, sweets and other sweets to kindergarten. This can cause a stir among children and even worse, ruin their appetite.
Only in the case when the child, having visited the kindergarten for more than two months, still refuses to eat, it is necessary to seek advice from a pediatrician and a psychologist.
2. Daytime sleep.
A frequent problem for which a child does not want to go to kindergarten is the obligatory daytime sleep. It can be difficult for a kid to relax in a room full of children. A favorite toy taken from home will help to correct the situation.
In many Western gardens, there is no quiet hour. Kindergartens are not equipped with bedrooms and baby cots. If a child gets tired and wants to sleep, then he lies right in the clothes in which he plays, on a sports mat and sleeps. Russian doctors and educators are of the opposite opinion that sleep is essential for preschool children. But, unfortunately, for many children 3-4 years of age, this can become a big problem, since they no longer need to sleep during the day. The kindergarten belongs to a regime enterprise, so the child wants to sleep during the day or not, but he must go to bed and not make noise. For some children, this is torture and a consequence of the fact that the child ultimately refuses to go to kindergarten.
As a rule, after the adaptation in kindergarten takes place, a child who does not want to sleep in a quiet hour still falls asleep and his daily routine in the garden is getting better. But what about parents, whose children, even after a long time in the garden, cannot fall asleep during the daytime and are naughty at the same time? There are several ways out of this situation.
Firstly, parents can send the baby to the garden with his favorite toy, with which he sleeps at home. It will help him relax and tune in to sleep.
Secondly, having agreed with the educators, the child can listen to audio fairy tales through the player during quiet hours.
Thirdly, instead of a quiet hour, the kid can play with himself in the play area. But this option is considered extremely rarely, because on the one hand, few children can play quietly, without attracting attention from other children or adults. On the other hand, few educators will take such a step, because a regime is a regime, and no one will take care of one "irregular" child. But you don't need to let this situation take its course, because every day it can only get worse.
As a result, the child categorically does not want to go to kindergarten, and endless childish tantrums will await adults every morning. And these will not be just childish whims. Adults can see for themselves how hard it is to forcibly spend two hours every day lying in bed, looking at the ceiling. Parents need to discuss the current situation not only with the educators, but also with the head, and at the end of the conversation, find a way out of this situation. The best way out of this situation, according to the advice of psychologists, is to use a player with audio fairy tales. But it is worth resorting to it only when the adaptation of the baby, which takes several months, has passed, but he has not learned to sleep during the day.
3. A delicate problem.
Another problem that adults may face when taking a child to kindergarten is his refusal to defecate outside the home. This situation signals that the child is extremely uncomfortable in the garden and cannot get used to new conditions for him. If this continues during the adaptation period, the first 2-3 months, then this is a normal situation. But when the baby, even after this period, flatly refuses to cope with his need in kindergarten, and this has nothing to do with the ability to use a potty, then adults should consult a psychologist, or make a children's regimen so that the moments of defecation fall on the clock when the child is at home.
4. Conflicts with children.
In some situations, the reason when a child does not want to go to kindergarten lies in his conflicts with peers. For childhood, not only a quarrel, but also a fight is a natural manifestation. After all, no one is born with perfect manners. And in the process of teaching the norms and rules of behavior, aggression, swearing or a fight will surely slip through in children. Mom, walking with the baby on the playground, can constantly teach the baby how to do it right in a given situation, and how not to do it, but everything is learned in practice, not theory.
The conflict can come both from the child himself and from peers. If the kid starts fights himself, then not only the educators are responsible for this, but also the parents. After all, it is the parents who bring up at home. Therefore, having learned that the child is showing aggression, it is necessary to act without waiting. Conversations alone may not be enough, children at the age of 3-4 years take little seriously what their parents say. Sometimes only punishment and deprivation can help. For example, during fights, the kid is left without ice cream or a new toy.
It also happens that it is difficult for a kid to fit into a team. All children are different, someone needs more communication, and someone less. Sometimes it is difficult for a child to perceive when he is accidentally pushed, hugged or even bitten. Parents should prepare the baby in advance for the fact that in kindergarten personal boundaries may be violated and there is nothing to worry about. And it is also necessary to explain to the baby that it can be comfortable and safe not only at home with his mother. To do this, you need to involve dad or grandmother. In the absence of a mother, other family members should come up with an interesting children's game and show the baby that in the absence of a mother, you can also have fun and interesting time.
If the baby is extremely shy, and persuading the child to go to kindergarten is still a problem, although he has been going to it for about a year, but he could not get used to it, and also did not make friends, then this indicates his special autistic character. Parents need to encourage their child to interact with other children. Maybe mom should take control and make friends with some of the parents of kindergarten children. You can invite them along with the children to visit, so that the baby gets used to communication and better adapt to society. It is possible that at first the mother, along with the children, will have to take part in children's games. But the main thing is to show the child that playing with peers is not scary, but very interesting and exciting.
The character of the baby, as a rule, is noticeable already from the cradle. Therefore, if a mother notices excessive shyness at the age of 1-2 years, then she may try to accustom the child to kindergarten in advance. To do this, you can take the baby to some circle, where all the games will be held with other children of the same kind, but the mother will be close by.
5. Change of regime.
It is very difficult to get used to the kindergarten regime for those children who did not have any regime before the kindergarten. Psychologist's advice says that parents need to start observing a similar regimen at home 2-3 months before going to kindergarten. The child should realize that such processes as eating, walking and playing take place in a clearly planned sequence and at a specific time.
The child often does not want to go to kindergarten because it is very difficult for him to get up in the morning. A good mood in the morning is the key to well-being for the whole day. Parents should be prepared for the fact that the morning preparations will become joint, and in order not to be late, not to rush and not get angry over trifles, it is necessary to properly plan the time of getting up and collecting. When the baby in the morning sees an irritated and hurrying mother, in half of the cases this will provoke children's tears and a negative reaction to everything that happens. Child after this "Good" in the morning will come nervous and intractable. Such frequent morning situations can postpone the adaptation process in kindergarten for many months ahead.
The way out of the situation is quite simple. In cases where the baby is used to going to bed late, it is necessary to put him much earlier. This can be done by getting up early. This scheme allows you to fully adapt to the garden regime of early rise in a week. If the mother has the opportunity, then it is better to start visiting the garden in spring or summer, when the length of the day is longer, and in the morning it is already light. It would seem such a trifle, but it helps to accustom the child to kindergarten much faster.
If a child does not want to go to kindergarten, under no circumstances, then parents should not force or scold, but help the child overcome all their fears. Psychologist's advice in this case is aimed at parental behavior. In order to persuade a child to go to kindergarten without tears, parents are not prohibited from attending kindergarten together in the first days. Many educators practice this type of adaptation and themselves ask the mother to be with her son or daughter in a group. But if, for whatever reason, this is not a feasible task, then the mother can give the baby a "piece of home" with her to the kindergarten. It can be a toy, a familiar food in a container (the main condition is that it does not stain too much, it can be a chopped apple) or an invented talisman. They can be any little thing that fits into a pocket.
6. Unloved teacher.
Many parents ask themselves the question - what to do if the child does not want to go to kindergarten due to dislike of the teacher? Experts advise to consider this situation even before the child visits the garden. Having qualified teachers in the kindergarten who really love children is the most important criterion for choosing a kindergarten. No complete playrooms and bright garden decorations can replace a kind attitude towards a child. If the situation clearly stands out when a baby runs to one teacher without anyone, and seeing another, does not want to leave his mother, then it is necessary to understand the reasons.
Unfortunately, at an early age, it is difficult for a child to describe the problem of conflict, therefore, games will come to the rescue to identify the cause of dislike for the teacher. You should not put pressure on the child and especially focus on this, you should just play kindergarten. It is necessary to take a set of toys and invite the child to distribute the roles himself, who will be the educator and who will be the child. During such a game, parents learn not only about the essence of the conflict between the child and the teacher, but also a lot of new things about their child. It is possible that the child does not want to go to kindergarten because the teacher is too strict or forces him to eat every crumb during lunch, or maybe the teacher does not pay attention to how other children tease and offend the baby. You should not push this problem into a distant box, but it is worth thoroughly sorting out this conflict with the teacher. When, after a conversation, the problem is not exhausted, then, alas, it is unlikely that it will be possible to change the situation. The only way out is to change the kindergarten.
What should parents do in advance so that a situation when a child refuses to go to kindergarten does not arise
1. It must be remembered that a habit cannot be developed in a few days. Therefore, we bring the baby to the kindergarten regime in advance and gradually. This is especially true for getting up and eating.
2. It is imperative to encourage and in every possible way contribute to the development of the child's skills and abilities. Often, in order to save time, the mother cleans up the toys herself, dresses the baby and feeds him. This in no way develops independence in the baby. Later, finding himself in kindergarten, the child will face many difficulties. Therefore, the mother needs to encourage any attempts by the child to become independent. When the baby begins to participate in the kindergarten camp, choose clothes, tie the laces himself, and so on, then we can say with confidence that the adaptation was successful.
3. No matter how sociable the child may be, separation from his mother and the new environment of the kindergarten is certainly stress. Therefore, in the first days of adaptation, all adult relatives, and especially the mother, must show the baby that they love him and he is very necessary and important for them. At this time, it is necessary to play all the favorite games of the baby, forget about your hobbies for a while and devote yourself entirely to the baby.
When parents want to accustom their child to kindergarten, they must categorically avoid the following things:
1. Sometimes, if the parents did not manage to persuade the child to go to kindergarten, they can easily leave him at home in order to avoid tantrums on the way. This situation is quite expected if one of the parents does not work or the family lives with the grandmother. But this is absolutely impossible to do. Indeed, in order to get used to the garden, you need to visit it, more than once from time to time, but every day, not counting, of course, weekends. If the child refuses to go to kindergarten, then in this case it is possible to come to a general agreement that he will be picked up early. For example, in the first months, if it is difficult for a baby to get used to and adapt to new conditions, you can take him before daytime sleep.
2. It will be difficult to accustom the child to kindergarten if the mother or grandmother follows his lead. The kid can cry loudly and resist, but if he has already been brought to the door of the garden, then the return journey is cut off. Very often, when a child categorically does not want to go to kindergarten, adults begin to feel sorry for him, and as a result, they turn back to the house. This is an extremely dangerous path. After all, the baby may think that with the help of tears he can control adults. And the next time, parents may not be surprised that in a situation where the child does not want to go to kindergarten, children's tears will shed stronger, and the screams will become even louder.
3. Keeping emotions in check. Sometimes mothers ask themselves a question - why the child does not want to go to kindergarten, because yesterday he liked it there? In this case, the mother should pay attention to her emotions. Children are very sensitive and easily detect any change in their mother's mood. And when, taking her son or daughter to the garden, the mother bursts into tears, gets nervous and worries about the baby, then what kind of good mood can the child have?
Undoubtedly, every mother will worry about her child, a swarm of questions will revolve in her head - Will no one offend him there? Will he eat? Will she cry? Will he have friends? But, despite such a confusion of feelings, the mother should let the child go with a smile and confidence that everything will be fine with him. It does not hurt to instill this confidence in the child himself, to constantly remind him that it is interesting in the kindergarten, new friends and discoveries await him there, and that he is very beloved for his family and, of course, will be taken home. If the child feels mother's support and confidence in his abilities and skills, then the mother will not have a question in the morning - how to persuade the child to go to kindergarten?
"No! I don't want to, I won't go! " - you and your neighbors hear this heartbreaking cry in the morning. The child is going to kindergarten ... Each time you are overwhelmed by conflicting feelings - from pity for the baby to anger at him. You use all possible methods of influence and, and, realizing that he has no other choice, he goes to the kindergarten. But the next day, the "war" continues. And what - and to live up to the school itself? Of course not.
Psychologist Yulia Vasilkina gives clear, simple and effective advice that will help to "accustom" both a beginner toddler and an experienced obstinate to kindergarten. You will find 5 stories from the author's practice, illustrating the 5 main reasons for a child's unwillingness to go to kindergarten, mini-tests that will help to more accurately determine "your" cause of the problem, and recommendations for its early solution.
Introduction
We all love our children, but sometimes we do not understand what is happening to them. Why doesn't a child want something that we consider for him ... well, if not a blessing, then certainly a necessity? And he resists with all his might: crying, sulking, resting on what is urine.
Or simply - he gets sick, and the question disappears by itself. What question? Should he go to kindergarten or not? And if this is not a question for parents at all? In the sense that they need to work, which means that he must go to kindergarten. But even if the baby walks, he does not feel joy. But every parent wants to see the child happy and calm!
Here is another book in the series "What to do if a child ...", where we discuss many problems. After all, being a parent is real work. But while every child is unique, similar problems have similar solutions. And our topic today is "What to do if the child does not want to go to kindergarten." Let's try to figure it out!
Problem: I don’t want to and I won’t go!
"No! Nope! I will not go!" - you and your neighbors hear this heartbreaking cry at about 7 o'clock in the morning every weekday. The reason is trivial - the child does not want to go to kindergarten. He stubbornly does not want to wake up, pretending that the dream is so deep that even if they fell from a cannon, he will not hear. When he wakes up, he decides to sob in order to pity you. Then, realizing that you will have to go to the kindergarten anyway, he cannot get to the bath in any way (put on tights, find a toy, choose a dress, fasten your shoes - underline the necessary). But you have to go to work! You are late! And he too. With grief, you gather in half, run, hand the child over to the caregiver and exhale outside the door - that's all, you can go to work.
Sometimes painful scenes begin in the evening. "Mom, and tomorrow to kindergarten?" - "Yes". - "Can I not go?" Here, depending on the mood of the parents and their pedagogical position, options are possible from “Well be patient, Friday is coming soon” (even if the conversation is on Monday) to “Don't start here! I go to work, and you go to kindergarten !!! ". Both morning and evening scenes are repeated from day to day, exhausting both parents and children.
In the book What to do if a child does not want to go to kindergarten, you will find 5 stories from practice, illustrating the 5 main reasons for a child's reluctance to go to kindergarten. As with the other books in this series, mini-tests are provided to help you pinpoint the cause of the problem, and recommendations for resolving the problem as soon as possible. After all, this is what we are striving for?
You also need to define the terms. Some children are raised by both parents, some have only a mom or a dad, some live with a stepfather or stepmother, and some ended up in a foster family. In order not to get confused, in the book I will call all adults "parents", sometimes "mom" and "dad", meaning that they may be a step-child by blood. After all, the reason for which they are next to him, from the "blood relationship" almost does not change.
It is painful for you to see a child sad because he has to go where he does not want to. And you understand him perfectly: in his adult life, everyone has probably been in a situation where you need to, but you don't want to go to a disgusting job or uninteresting study. But you are also sure: there is no other way out, and he will have to go to kindergarten.
We hope that you will receive answers to your questions and help your child, if not to fall in love with kindergarten, then treat it calmly. Having experience working with children and their parents, I am sure that in most cases parents can deal with this problem on their own. You just need to understand the reasons, and then apply strength and help the child.
1. What is kindergarten
Kindergartens: good and different
When we say "kindergarten", what picture appears in the head? Blooming trees, flower beds and fountains? Perhaps someone else has it. But most will imagine something else: many children in one room under the supervision of a teacher and a nanny. 15–20 years ago, the question "Which kindergarten should I send my child to?" meant: "Which of the state gardens in our area is better?" Because they were all more or less the same. The same "norms", food, regime, requirements. They went, as they say, "to the teacher" if word of mouth reported that this woman did not offend children. There is certainly more choice now. There are both state and private gardens - for almost every taste and budget.
State kindergarten(DBOU is a preschool budgetary educational institution). This is an ordinary kindergarten, which is located next to the house. Educators receive a salary from the state, and you pay a monthly receipt, which indicates an amount that is quite feasible for the family's budget. As a rule, it works from 7.00 to 19.00, but you can find gardens with groups of 8.00–20.00. Each group has up to 25 children of the same age. Two teachers who work in shifts (sometimes one, from morning to evening), and a junior teacher (nanny). Food in all state gardens is the same, and there is no point in looking for better food. There is a clear regime with a long quiet hour (usually from 13.00 to 15.00), which even the children of the preparatory groups cannot avoid, many of whom no longer need a day's sleep. The rest of the regime's points are also not discussed. It is necessary - therefore, it is necessary, and do it together with everyone. With children, they are engaged in modeling, drawing, development of speech, they teach to learn about the world around them, give initial logical and mathematical ideas. For a separate amount, English, in-depth aesthetic development, rhythm, preparation for school and some other activities can be offered. Psychologists now work in almost all public kindergartens.
Correctional kindergarten. Also state, but it accepts children suffering from any disease. There are speech therapy gardens; psycho-neurological; for children with diseases of the musculoskeletal system; with impaired vision and hearing, etc. I had to communicate with parents of healthy children who wanted their baby to attend such a kindergarten, and are even ready to give anyone a “lamb in a piece of paper”. Because there are fewer groups, better specialists, and more food. Yes, that's right. But you need to understand that a healthy child can take the place of someone who really needs specialized help. If this argument does not work, it is worth considering that staying a healthy child in a group of children with disabilities is a good step, just not for the child himself. In this case, he has nowhere to "reach", he is a standard for other children. What is really developing is tolerance. It should be borne in mind that both the mode, and toys, and even lighting conditions are designed for children with special physiological conditions.
Private kindergarten. As a rule, he works in the premises of an ordinary kindergarten or on the basis of a development center. Groups may be smaller in size than in public gardens, but not always. Payment depends on the cost of rent, the number of teachers in the group (2 or 3) and additional lessons. If the child gets sick, the parents will still pay the full amount for the month.
A humane and attentive attitude towards each child is proclaimed, the creation of a favorable environment for his development and psychological well-being. This task is solved with varying degrees of success (in some places it is only declared, so you should not blindly believe the words). The regime is the same as in a regular kindergarten, but more flexible: you can come later, agree to stay at home for several days without a doctor's note. Educators do not always insist on naps, keeping children who do not need them. As a rule, there are many interesting activities in these gardens. Some, but not all, operate on the Montessori system.
Private "home" kindergarten... Most often it is located in an ordinary apartment, converted for the stay of children. Designed for 3-6 children. There is no need to talk about the official status of the kindergarten: this form cannot be legalized due to strict sanitary and epidemiological standards, the observance of which is simply impossible on the territory of the apartment. Walking - on the street next to the house. Physical education and music opportunities are limited due to the small space. As for educators and other teachers, it happens in different ways. This may be one permanent teacher, paired with a nanny, she is a cook. The psychologist and other educators can come to work with the children. Sometimes in such gardens, daytime sleep is not provided due to the inability to equip sleeping places. And the cost is comparable to private kindergartens. One of the advantages is the possibility of a truly individual approach to each child. If you decide to send your baby to a home kindergarten, learn about everything thoroughly.
Regardless of the type of kindergarten, the child can be both comfortable and unbearable there - until the situation "I will not go there anymore!" Of course, in a private garden that cares about its reputation, this is less likely. And parents also feel entitled to demand that the child be treated carefully. For the sake of fairness, it should be noted that a lot is being done in public gardens to make children comfortable and parents not to worry.
Why do we need a kindergarten: 7 reasons
Some parents, as well as grandmothers, doubt whether a kindergarten is needed. Infections "live" there, not all children are friendly, and even about educators, questions arise: will they offend? Still, a kindergarten is needed. And not only for the child, but for the family as a whole! It is there that the baby acquires skills that are so important for his socialization.
Reason # 1: Learns to communicate with other children. Do you think it's easy? Children who have not attended kindergartens stand out from their classmates very much, at least in the first year of school. Communicating with peers, the child finds himself in different situations and learns to behave accordingly: how to cope with resentment or anger, defend his interests, how to be friends and how to get along peacefully with those who are unpleasant to you. He overcomes natural egocentrism, getting used to think not only in terms of “I” and “mine”, but also “we” and “our”. A schoolchild who does not have experience of "sadistic" life begins to acquire interaction skills only at the age of 7, since there is no such communication in any preparation course for school as in kindergarten. And from the age of 4, the child has such a strong impulse to communicate that it is hardly possible to satisfy him on half-empty playgrounds near the house.
Reason # 2: Comprehends the norms of social life. What is good and what is bad, the baby learns not only from his own experience, but also by observing the behavior of other children. He has the opportunity to really observe a lot, compare, decide whether to try something himself, already knowing the reaction of an adult. It is very important that this is not the reaction of their relatives, but of an outsider who broadcasts general rules, norms and traditions.
Reason # 3: Learns to acknowledge the authority of the “outsider” adult. This is important for later life, where there will be many teachers, then teachers at the institute, leaders and chiefs. Of course, each parent wants to think that his child will become a "big boss" himself. But this will not happen immediately. To begin with, you have to gain a lot of experience of subordination, which will help you become a wise leader in the future. And it is easiest to accept the authority of a stranger in preschool childhood.
Reason # 4: Develops as a person. Of course, at home, with a grandmother, mother or nanny, the child also develops. But the fact is that for a person the other person is a "mirror": the behavior of one evokes the response of the other. And if there are many "mirrors" (as in a kindergarten group), development is faster. Close people often forgive what strangers will not forgive. And it would be good for the child to understand this as early as possible.
Reason # 5: Gains knowledge and experience. If you have chosen a good kindergarten with qualified teachers, then you can be sure that the child will receive the basics of musical knowledge, become more dexterous thanks to physical education and rhythm, learn a lot about the world around him, get an idea of the cultural values of our country (books, folk art, musical works, etc.), will prepare for school. From a certain age, a round-the-clock stay at home with one or more adults ceases to be a blessing for a child also because it is unlikely that these adults are certified specialists in these areas. And even so, it is more the exception than the rule.
Reason # 6: Becomes more self-reliant. In kindergarten, children learn self-care skills much faster than at home. Dressing, undressing, washing your hands, cleaning up after yourself, eating - all these are elementary skills that are developed later during home education and due to the large number of nerve cells in an adult. In the kindergarten, however, educators, firstly, do not doubt the child's capabilities. Secondly, he reaches out for other children, not wanting to lag behind. And thirdly, educators experience a shortage of time and energy, and they do not have the opportunity to "serve" every child. Therefore, there are fewer whims, and skills develop faster.
Reason # 7: This is important for the family. Parents of a child attending kindergarten can work. And if there are no questions about the fathers of the family, then mothers often say that they are too tired of everyday life and want to develop professionally as well.
When is it time for kindergarten?
Some parents are ready to send a 1.5-year-old baby to the kindergarten, while others pull it up to 6 years of age. And since we have already determined that kindergarten is a good thing, you need to understand when it is better for a child to start attending it. It largely depends on whether he will happily go there or he will have to be pulled “on the lasso”.
Should I send two-year-olds to kindergarten? My answer: only in case the need... What is "necessity" is determined by the parents themselves. Someone needs to go to work, and someone is so tired of everyday life that they want to carve out a few quiet hours for themselves and housekeeping.
Adaptation at 2 years old is not easy. The child and his parents are waiting for several weeks filled with morning crying and shouts: "I don't want to go to kindergarten." Babies are often sick during the first year, and this should be taken into account when talking with employers.
At the age of 3, the child is experiencing a developmental crisis, which is called the “crisis of three years”. And although three-year-olds get used to kindergarten faster than two-year-olds, the crisis complicates adaptation. But in general, 3 years is a good time to start visiting the kindergarten.
And the optimal age, according to my observations, is 4 years. For several reasons. First, the child's speech is already mature enough both to perceive the words of adults, and in order to express their desires. At 2-3 years old, children cry a lot just because they are not very well aware of their feelings, and even cannot tell about them. Secondly, a four-year-old is emotionally stable and balanced, which helps him to adapt. Thirdly, the age from 4 to 5 years is a period of active assimilation of rules, especially "social" ones associated with correct behavior. The child is completely ready for this and does not accept them with hostility, as, for example, at 3–3.5 years old. Fourthly, the baby is already reaching out to his peers, wants to communicate, play together and be friends. And this need can be fully satisfied in kindergarten. Fifth, a child who comes to a children's team at the age of 4 is quite capable of easily joining it, finding "his" place, even if the other children are literally familiar with the nursery group. At the age of 5–6, this is somewhat more difficult to do.
SOS! He doesn't want to go to kindergarten!
So, your child doesn't want to go to kindergarten. We will analyze the reasons below, in the next part, which will be filled with examples and recommendations. But how exactly can reluctance manifest itself? Sometimes it is so disguised that you cannot immediately understand whether it is.
... trying to persuade parent. He is looking for arguments from "I am sick, cough, cough" to "grandmother is bored at home without me." He tries to find out if mom is really leaving for work, and if he finds out that she is not, then he increases his onslaught.
... actively resists. The child screams and cries: “I will not go to the kindergarten! I do not want!" Most often this happens in the morning, sometimes in the evening. The situation is quite definite both for the child and for the parents, from whom some action is required.
... delays the morning ritual. Either it is impossible to wake him up, then he is capricious, not wanting to get up, wash, dress. He "loses" his clothes and shoes, hovers somewhere in the clouds, driving you to white heat. If you ask him if he wants to go to kindergarten, he may answer “no”.
But working parents cannot afford this question, because you still need to go.
... his behavior changes. Previously, he was cheerful and optimistic, but now you notice that he has become more withdrawn, smiles less and is often sad. There can be many reasons for such changes besides attending kindergarten, but be careful!
... does not want to talk about the kindergarten. You cannot get from him what he was doing today, what he ate, how he slept and with whom he was friends. He does not talk about anything, as if the kindergarten in his life simply does not exist, as if he wants to completely distract himself from even thinking about him.
… Complains all the time. The child tells, but all the stories have a negative connotation: one offended him, the second hit him, the third hurt, the fourth did not take the game, and the teacher was cursing. Judging by his stories, nothing good happens to him in kindergarten!
... gets sick a lot. Frequent SARS indicate low reserve capacity of the body. But our body and psyche are part of the same system. If a child does not want to go to kindergarten, the body "helps" him: it does not fight infections, as this will allow him to get the necessary respite and be at home with his beloved mother.
Sometimes all these signs appear together, sometimes in different combinations. But they are all worth considering. Why doesn't he want to go to kindergarten and how can you help him? In no case should you ignore the problem.
Do not rush to refuse
Faced with the child's reluctance to go to kindergarten, parents ask themselves: "What to do?" There are several options. You can give up kindergarten and, forgetting about your career, stay at home with it. You can sacrifice your grandmother's work if she agrees to it. It is possible to hire a nanny, which is not cheap.
But escape in this case is not the best strategy. It is much more effective to understand the reasons for this attitude of the child towards kindergarten.
Maybe he just hasn't adapted yet. Or there are problems in the relationship with the caregiver. In this case, you can go to another group or change the kindergarten. It happens that the baby has too strong a bond with home and parents, which prevents him from going out into the world. Then the period of "separation" will be difficult, but abandoning kindergarten will only exacerbate the personality problem.
I am convinced that in most cases, parents are able to help a child. Sometimes on their own, and sometimes with the help of a psychologist who will help you find guidelines. Kindergarten is a good experience for your entire future life and is worth trying to overcome temporary difficulties.
2. Let's understand the reasons
In my practice, I have repeatedly encountered the reluctance of children to attend kindergarten. But, even if the child loves to go there, he will never refuse to spend time at home, if given a choice.
Most children are very fond of their home and their parents. And no matter how beautiful the kindergarten is, they still will not “betray” what is truly dear to them.
This situation should not be confused with reluctance to attend kindergarten. And now - to the true reasons and stories from practice!
The first story: Nastenka, or First time in kindergarten
When Nastya, who recently turned three years old, came to the kindergarten for the first time, her mother Oksana could not get enough of it. The daughter demanded to undress her as soon as possible and ran to the group to look at new toys. Mom said to Nastya: "Bye, daughter!", But the girl did not even hear, she was so busy. When, two hours later, her mother came for her, Nastya was calmly playing, and it seemed that she did not even want to leave. The next day, Oksana did not expect any problems, believing that the girl got used to it right away. But it was not there! My daughter staged a real fight in the locker room, did not allow herself to be undressed, cried and asked her mother: "Don't leave!" She resisted and did not want to enter the group until the teacher came to the rescue, who took the girl in her arms. Oksana left in a completely different mood than yesterday. Coming for her daughter, she found her with tear-stained eyes. It turned out that Nastya sat in the corner all the time, did not eat anything and did not even go to the toys. Oksana wondered: was her decision to send the child to kindergarten correct and whether Nastya could get used to it? The next few days became a nightmare for everyone: in the morning the baby rested and cried, her mother also had her eyes in a "wet place." Once again, taking her daughter to the group, Oksana decided to go to the psychologist to find out: maybe Nastya is a “non-Sadovsky” child?
Cause: Adaptation Syndrome
The situation described in this story is very, very typical. Many mothers, when bringing their kids to kindergarten for the first time, are surprised at how easily they enter the group and part with their parents. But the following days show that not everything is so simple, and the baby is very worried. Of course, there are children who cry from the first day. There are also children who really do not cry and happily run to the group both on the first and on the following days. But there are very few of them. For the rest, the adaptation process is not at all easy.
Adaptation- This is the adaptation of the body to changing external conditions. This process requires large expenditures of mental energy and often takes place with stress, or even overstrain of the mental and physical forces of the body.
It is very difficult for children of any age to start attending kindergarten, because everything changes dramatically. The following changes literally burst into the usual, established life:
● a clear daily routine;
● absence of relatives nearby;
● the need for constant contact with peers;
● the need to obey and obey a previously unfamiliar person;
● a sharp decrease in personal attention.
At first, the child's behavior scares the parents so much that they think: can he get used to it at all? Will this "horror" ever end? We can say with confidence: those behavioral features that are very worrisome to parents are typical for all children during the period of adaptation. At this time, almost all mothers think that it is their child who is "non-Sad", and the rest of the kids supposedly feel better. But this is not the case. Here are some common changes in your child's behavior during the adjustment period.
1. Emotions. In the first days of being in kindergarten, negative emotions are much more pronounced: from whimpering "for company" to constant paroxysmal crying. Whimpering lasts the longest, with the help of which the child seeks to protest against parting with family. The manifestations of fear become especially vivid (the baby is clearly afraid to go to kindergarten, is afraid of the teacher or that his mother will not return for him), anger (when he breaks loose, not allowing himself to be undressed, and may even hit an adult who is going to leave him), depressive reactions ("Frozenness", "lethargy", as if there were no emotions at all). At first, the child experiences few positive emotions. He is very upset about breaking up with his mom and his familiar environment. If he smiles, it is mainly a reaction to novelty or to a bright stimulus (an unusual toy, "animated" by an adult, a fun game). Be patient! Negative emotions will definitely be replaced by positive ones, indicating the end of the adaptation period. But the child can cry when parting for a long time, and this does not mean that the adaptation is going badly. If the child calms down within a few minutes after the mother leaves, then everything is in order.
2. Contacts with peers and educator. The child's social activity decreases. Even sociable, optimistic children become tense, withdrawn, restless. It must be remembered that kids 2–3 years old do not play together, but side by side. They have not yet developed a story game in which several children would be involved. Best of all at this age they succeed in such "games" as joint screeching, running around, repeating stereotyped actions one after another. Therefore, do not be upset if your child is not yet communicating with other children. Successful adaptation can be judged by the fact that the baby is increasingly interacting with the teacher in the group, responding to his requests, following regime moments. He begins to explore the space of the group, to play with toys. Communication with other children, however, may not appear for a long time, and this is the norm for babies under 3 years old.
3. Cognitive activity. At first, cognitive activity is reduced or completely absent against the background of stress reactions. Sometimes the child is not even interested in toys. Many people need to sit on the sidelines to navigate their surroundings. Gradually "forays" to toys and other children will become more frequent and daring. In the process of successful adaptation, the child begins to be interested in what is happening, to ask questions to the teacher.
4. Skills. Under the influence of new external influences, the baby can for a short time“Lose” self-service skills (the ability to use a spoon, handkerchief, pot, etc.). The success of adaptation is determined by the fact that the child not only "remembers" the forgotten, but you notice new achievements with surprise and joy.
5. Features of speech. Some children have less vocabulary or “lighter” words and sentences. Do not worry! Speech will be restored and enriched when the adaptation is complete.
6. Physical activity. It rarely stays the same. Some children become "inhibited" and some become uncontrollably active. It depends on the temperament of the child. A good sign is the restoration of normal activity at home, and then in the kindergarten.
7. Dream. If the child is left for an afternoon nap, then the first days he will fall asleep badly. The kid can jump up ("Vanka-Vstanka") or, falling asleep, soon wake up crying. Restless daytime and nighttime sleep may occur at home. By the time adaptation is completed, sleep both at home and in the garden will necessarily return to normal.
8. Appetite. There may be a decreased appetite at first. This is due to unusual food (both look and taste are unusual), as well as stress reactions - the baby simply does not want to eat. Even a small amount of weight loss is considered normal. A good sign is the restoration of appetite. Let the baby not eat everything that is on the plate, but he starts to eat. Weight by the end of the adaptation period is restored and then only increases.
9. Health. The body's resistance to infections decreases, and the child gets sick in the first month (or even earlier) of visiting the kindergarten. However, the disease usually proceeds without complications.
Of course, many mothers expect that the negative aspects of the child's behavior and reactions will disappear in the very first days. And they get upset or even angry when they don't. Usually adaptation takes 3-4 weeks, or even stretches for 3-4 months. Do not rush the time, not all at once!
Mini-test: Adaptation and "I don't want to go to kindergarten!"
Let's summarize. The more times you said “true”, the more likely it is that the reason for the child’s reluctance to go to kindergarten is an adaptation syndrome, and not at all “evil” educators or his unwillingness to join the team. Gradually you will be able to overcome everything!
How can mom help
Each mother, seeing how difficult it is for the child, wants to help him adapt faster. And that is great. The set of measures is to create a favorable environment at home that spares the baby's nervous system, which is already working at full capacity.
1. In the presence of the child, always speak positively about the caregivers and the kindergarten. Even if you didn't like something. The child will have to go to this kindergarten and this group, which means that it is necessary to form a positive attitude in him. Tell someone, in the presence of the kid, what good kindergarten he now goes to and what wonderful “Aunt Valya” and “Aunt Tanya” work there.
2. Do not change your daily routine on weekends. You can let him sleep a little longer, but do not let him sleep. If the child needs to “get enough sleep,” it means that your sleep schedule is not organized correctly, perhaps he goes to bed too late in the evening.
3. Do not wean your baby from "bad" habits(for example, from the nipple) during the adaptation period, so as not to overload his nervous system. He has too many changes in his life now, and unnecessary stress.
4. Try to create a calm, conflict-free environment at home. Hug the child more often, stroke the head, say sweet words. Celebrate his progress, improvement in behavior. Praise rather than scold. He needs your support so badly now!
5. Be more tolerant of whims. They arise from overloading the nervous system. Hug your baby, help them calm down, and turn your attention to something interesting.
6. Give a small toy with you to the kindergarten (preferably a soft one)... Children develop a perception of the toy as a “substitute” for the mother. When he hugs something fluffy, which is a part of the house, he feels calmer.
7. Call a fairy tale or game for help... You can come up with your own fairy tale about how the little bear first went to the kindergarten, and how uncomfortable and a little scary he was at first, and how he later made friends with children and educators. You can stage this story with toys. Both in the fairy tale and in the game, the key point is the return of the mother for the child. In no case do not interrupt the narration until you get to this point. Actually, the goal is for the baby to understand: his mother will definitely come back for him.
8. Lighten the regimen... If you see that it is difficult for the child, he has become even more capricious, adjust the regime. For example, make an extra “day off” on Wednesday or Friday. Pick up as early as possible, preferably right after your afternoon snack.
Calm morning
The most upset parent and child are when they break up. How to organize the morning so that the day is calm for both mom and baby? The main rule is this: calm mother - calm child... He "reads" your insecurities and gets even more upset.
1. At home and in the kindergarten, talk to your baby kindly and confidently. Exercise a friendly perseverance when waking up, dressing, and in the garden when undressing. Speak not too loudly, but confidently, vocalizing everything you do. Sometimes the toy that goes with the baby to the kindergarten is a good helper when waking up and getting ready. Seeing that the bunny “so wants to go to kindergarten,” the baby will become infected with his good mood.
2. Let the parent or relative take the baby away with whom it is easy for him to part. e. Educators have long noticed that the child leaves one of the parents relatively calmly, and the other (most often the mother) cannot let go of himself, continuing to worry even after leaving. But it’s better to let the one with whom the emotional connection is stronger!
3. Be sure to say that you will come and indicate when(after a walk, or after lunch, or after he sleeps and eats). It is easier for a kid to know that mom will come after some event than to wait for her every minute. Don't delay, keep your promises!
4. You must have your goodbye ritual(eg kiss, wave, say goodbye). After that, leave immediately: confidently and without turning around. The longer you stomp in indecision, the more the baby worries.
But what about Nastya?
I listened to Oksana and her story. And of course, she said that much of what is happening is typical and will definitely pass. But the mother herself clearly needed help! After all, mothers experience at this moment no less than children: the "umbilical cord" is a two-way communication. And it is important that support is provided on time. Oksana had to believe that Nastya, like other children, is not at all a "weak" creature and is quite capable of coping with the situation. Indeed, after a few weeks the girl was unrecognizable. “I'll go to the kindergarten tomorrow! There are my children and Aunt Ivanovna, ”she said proudly to dad in the evenings. She talked about children, toys, activities. And when asked if she liked it in the kindergarten, she confidently answered “Yes!”.
SUMMARY: He will definitely get used to it!
So, the main principle that will help you overcome the difficulties of adaptation: "Calm mom - calm child!" The less doubts the parents have about the advisability of visiting the garden, the more chances that the child will sooner or later cope with it. The baby, feeling the confidence of mom and dad, gets used to it much faster.
The child's adaptive system is strong enough to withstand the test, even if tears flow like water. Paradoxical, but true: it's good that she's crying! It is worse when he is so gripped in the grip of stress that he cannot cry. Crying is an assistant to the nervous system, it does not allow it to overload. Therefore, you should not be afraid of children's tears and be angry with the child for "whining".
Be sure that kindergarten teachers and psychologists are solving the problem of comfortable adaptation of children. Special game lessons are held. Gradually, children begin to open up, smile more, laugh, talk, and happily engage in joint fun. And soon morning crying becomes an exception.
But the help of parents is also needed, their attentive attitude towards the child during this period, the desire to understand his feelings and accept them. And the baby will get used to it, and then he will love to go to the kindergarten. It's actually very interesting there!
The second story: "Harmful" Nikita, or Disagreeable characters
Nikita is 5 years old, and under any pretext he is ready to stay at home. He even tries to feign ill health, so as not to go to kindergarten. And if he gets really sick, he does not hide his joy. Nikita's mom, Marina, understands why this is happening. Nikita "did not have a good relationship" with the teacher in the group, Irina Semyonovna. She, according to mom, is too hard on the boy. Of course, Nikita is very active, restless and always gives back if someone touches him. The teacher often tells the mother about what her son has "done". And she had not heard positive information for a very long time. From the stories of her son, Marina realized that Irina Semyonovna treats him with prejudice, not expecting anything good from him in advance. Marina wanted to talk to the teacher, but she was afraid that the attitude towards the child would become even worse.
Reason: Difficult relationship with the caregiver
When you leave your child in kindergarten, the most important question is: with whom do you leave him? No one, I think, will argue with the fact that the personality of the teachers with whom the child spends most of the day while you are at work is of paramount importance. Strange, but we have to observe how some children adore the same teacher, while others almost hate. The first will hug, caress, look into the eyes and obey unquestioningly. The second is to ignore, try not to be seen, or even defiantly violate prohibitions and rules. Therefore, the parents of the first group do not understand what this is about: their children are happy to go to the kindergarten to this particular teacher! However, sometimes the situation develops according to the principle “you can't hide an sewn in a sack”, when almost all parents think that they have not got the best teacher. And some are ready to endure it, no more. In this case, the majority of children are "cool" about visiting the kindergarten, and even more so they are not eager to go there.
Why does the child have a "difficult" relationship with the caregiver? The origins of the problem must be sought either in the child or in the caregiver. As a result, a situation arises, which can be characterized by the well-known expression "did not agree". According to my observations, this happens if the teacher adheres to authoritarian communication style: rather rigidly regulates the rules, a step to the left or to the right is considered an escape, and a murderous look follows a "wrong" drawn flower. Such educators want all children to be perfectly obedient, do everything at once and quickly, never get distracted, don't shout loudly, run fast only in physical education, draw idyllic pictures, but in no case robots, play board games, sitting decorously at the tables. What a delight! But children are different creatures and do not fit into such a beautiful plan. And the stricter the expectations of the teacher, the more children “will not fit in”. And the more they will receive censure. And the less they will have a desire to meet with this teacher again.
Our children, of course, are not angels either. Very restless, unwilling to follow the general rules. Some constantly violate the "boundaries" of other people (both adults and children), not caring whether it is causing them trouble. There are more and more children with independent thinking, which means that it is more difficult to negotiate with them and even understand their opinion. Often they do not want to march in formation and do what is suggested to everyone. And the more “obligatory” it is offered, the less desire they have to do it. In general, it is not easy for them within the framework of a kindergarten, and even more so for a tough teacher. But the "complex" nature of the child does not guarantee problems at all. On the contrary, such children simply flourish with a loyal democrat educator.
How can a teacher express his negative attitude towards a child?
... make comments only to him alone, even if both children were wrong. And more often - not to understand the situation at all, by putting a "label" on it;
… In front of other children, let go of stinging phrases in relation to him;
… To punish more strongly than in the same situation for another child;
... ignore his questions, requests, desire to speak out, and especially positive actions.
Sometimes the attitude of the educator is obvious to the parents: she regularly complains about the child, asks to "influence", but she never tells how to do it. And it does not promise support from its side. Sometimes the attitude towards the child remains outside the group's doors, and parents can learn about him only from the stories of the child himself.
In fairness, it is worth noting that the teacher does not have to be a monster for the relationship to fail. Sometimes a little tactlessness, inattention or shouting is enough - and a child, especially a sensitive one, will be offended. And an anxious kid gets a lot of negative emotions, even if the teacher yells at another child, although he himself is “not touched”. Sometimes young children are simply afraid of a loud voice, especially if their family has adopted a calm communication style.
Mini-test: Relationship with the teacher
Analyze the statements and tick the appropriate box.
Let's summarize. The more times you say "true", the more likely it is that the reason for the child's reluctance to go to kindergarten is related to the teacher. We need to act!
Talk to the teacher: you need to!
Often, parents do not want to talk to the teacher for fear that she will then “recoup” the child. But this position only masks their self-doubt and inability to defend their point of view. Sometimes events take such a turn that parents are simply obliged to figure everything out and, if necessary, protect the interests of the baby. The child should feel that you are ready to help him. After all, he learns by your example how to act in conflict situations. And if parents prefer to “hide their heads in the sand,” then you should not be surprised at the spinelessness of their child. The child cannot "fight" with the teacher himself. There is a good rule: if you have a conflict with other children, deal with it yourself, we can only help with advice; but if an adult offends you, then it's our turn to act. In what situations is it necessary to talk with the teacher?
1. If there was a single but serious case that has caused or could have caused physical or mental harm to the child. For example, insult or humiliation in front of other children, negligence, as a result of which the child became ill or experienced stress.
2. If something disturbing is repeated systematically: unreasonable, in your opinion, punishment, biased or disrespectful attitude towards the child.
Of course, starting a conversation is only worthwhile if you can clearly articulate the essence of your discontent and offer a rational way out of the situation.
Therefore, if the problem, in your opinion, is worthy of discussion, you need to prepare. To get started, tune in to a conversation on an equal footing. An attempt to teach a teacher, to put oneself above him will cause a defensive reaction and interfere with rational communication.
So is the pleading position, when you put the teacher above yourself. Think about the place and time: it is best to discuss the situation one-on-one.
And please don't get yourself excited before the conversation! You will not look more convincing, but you will lose clarity of thought for sure.
Algorithm of conversation
When talking with a teacher about what worried or angered you, you need to adhere to a certain algorithm that will allow you to achieve mutual understanding and resolve the conflict. There are two goals to keep in mind throughout the conversation: the problem should no longer harm your child and the good relationship with the caregiver should be maintained to the maximum. Try any word you say for these purposes, and you will understand what is worth saying and what is not.
Step one: get started right. First of all, you need to thank the teacher for his willingness to meet with you and discuss the problem. One or more phrases expressing gratitude are enough: "Thank you for being ready to discuss with me what worries me, despite the late hour." Such a beginning sets up positive communication and relieves unnecessary stress from both the educator and the parent.
Step two: expressing hope that the situation will be resolved. For example: “I hope we find a solution that works for both of us. I am sure that we are ready for constructive communication. " This step reinforces the positive position and provides an opportunity for further discussion of the issue of concern to you.
Step three: formulating the problem. By the time of the conversation, you should clearly formulate the problem that led you to the caregiver. There is no need for long monologues, during which usually only emotional tension builds up, interfering with the conversation. The more clearly the problem is defined, the more opportunities for its solution.
Step four: invite for discussion. This is a phrase inviting the educator to express his or her own opinion on the problem you have formulated. For example: "Please tell me how you see the situation."
Step five: dialogue. The main conditions for success are maintaining respect, the ability to listen and hear the interlocutor, discuss only the essence of the issue, the absence of "force" influences (blackmail, threats), overcoming the feeling of hopelessness, if it arises. Feelings of hopelessness can occur in not too confident parents and interfere with the continuation of the conversation. You seem to hear an "inner voice" saying: "It still won't work, the conversation is too difficult, finish it quickly." You should not give in to this, you need to continue the conversation in the chosen direction. Make it clear to the educator that you are taking the position "We are against the problem", and not "I am against you". Suggest your own solutions. Show how this is beneficial for the teacher. Perhaps together you will find a "middle" option, and if it provides comfort for the child and helps maintain good relations with the teacher, then this is a good result. Know how to apologize and accept an apology. Perhaps in the course of the conversation you will realize that you got excited and were not quite right. For example, the teacher will talk about what the child was silent about, or explain the rules of behavior in the group. Feel free to say you were wrong and thank you for the clarifications.
Step six: summary. No matter how the conversation goes, add a short summary at the end, in which indicate the main position that you have arrived at as a result. For example: "So, we managed to agree that ..." If the conversation did not work out, also state this: "Unfortunately, we could not find a common solution."
Step Seven: Summing Up. If you managed to clarify the situation and find a solution to the problem, be sure to thank the teacher again for taking the time to meet with you: “I'm glad we were able to talk. I hope that we will have constructive relations in the future as well ”.
If the agreement did not work out
Even if the dialogue, in your opinion, did not work out, do not despair. It may seem that the conversation ended with "nothing" and she "did not understand anything," but this is not necessarily the case. Proceeding from practice, I can say: educators try to respectfully and attentively treat children, even with a difficult character, if their parents are constantly “on the pulse”. The more resolute the parents look, who are ready to defend the interests of the child, the less the educator will want to "get involved" with them. Therefore, do not hesitate to talk about what you do not like, do not be afraid of a deterioration in the attitude towards the child.
The situation is likely to improve. The teacher, after calmly pondering your words and realizing that you are determined, will most likely try to compromise. Wait at least 7-10 days after the conversation to enable the teacher to draw the right conclusions. If, in spite of attempts to reach an agreement, inadmissible, from your point of view, cases are repeated, you will have to go higher: to the head, and then to the local Department of Education. In this case, you need to build a conversation using the same strategy. The best solution to the problem may be to transfer the child to another group. Remember that the main thing is to protect the interests of your baby, his physical and psychological well-being.
But what about the "harmful" Nikita?
Nikita's mom, Marina, was at a loss. She understood that talking with the teacher is necessary, but she herself was a person who avoided conflicts. However, you will not run from problems forever, especially if we are talking about a child. Of course, she tried to come to an agreement with me, a psychologist, so that I would discuss the problem with Irina Semyonovna. I, of course, promised to take control of the situation, but said that Marina could not withdraw herself. To act or not to act is a parent's decision. After advising on how best to structure the conversation, I wished her the best.
After a while, the situation began to change. The teacher's attitude towards Nikita became much calmer. And the boy even sometimes began to talk about what he wanted to go to kindergarten to his friends! He told his mother that Irina Semyonovna began to praise him, and that was enough for him to “thaw out” and also change his attitude towards the teacher. What influenced this? In many ways - a conversation between mom and teacher. Marina arranged the conversation correctly, although she was very worried. She tried not to offend the teacher, but at the same time insist on her own. And after a while, the changes became apparent!
SUMMARY: The Path to Dialogue
So, an educator is not only a profession. An educator is a person with his own life principles, attitudes, stereotypes and even prejudices. He, like each of us, has a bad mood, malaise and unwillingness to go to work today. Educators build relationships with children, guided not only by the concepts of ethics, job descriptions and pedagogical science, but also by their own life attitudes, seasoned with character traits.
You will not always be happy with the actions of the educator. These may be minor incidents, but it is possible that a situation will arise that requires a mandatory conversation. Always observe the rule of subordination: first meet with the teacher, and only then go to the administration. Don't avoid this conversation. If the parents do not try to restore justice, the baby will feel insecure. Remember two goals: to make your child's time in the garden comfortable and to maintain a relationship with the teacher. Try to take a position of "we are against the problem", not "me against you." Then the interests of the child will be protected, and peaceful relations with the teacher are guaranteed.
Story three: Maloyezhka Vera
Vera is 5 years old and has been attending kindergarten for two years. And all these two years, the teachers have been complaining that the girl does not eat well. More precisely, he does not eat at all. What they did not do: they tried to feed from a spoon - Vera tightly closes her mouth, and when she manages to stick the spoon in, she vomits. They also tried to threaten that she would not leave the table, that she would not go for a walk, but one cannot sit endlessly at the table, burying food with tears. They tried not to pay attention - Vera became calmer, but she did not start eating. And now a particularly persistent teacher has come to the group, who by all means decided to force the child to eat. But Vera began to refuse to go to the kindergarten, saying that she liked it there, but she needed to eat there.
Reason: Disliked food
Each of us needs breakfast, lunch and dinner to maintain strength and health. Our children in kindergarten are provided with four meals a day: first breakfast, second breakfast (fruit or juice), lunch and afternoon tea. It would seem that the only thing left for parents to do is to feed the child at home with dinner, and good nutrition becomes a reality! But it’s not that simple. Problems begin when a child, for some internal reason, refuses garden food. Sometimes so that he is ready to be hungry all day. Sometimes he compromises, agreeing to chew bread with compote or eat a slice of apple. However, more often children just eat badly, slowly and reluctantly, leaving a lot on their plates.
Few think about how nutrition can become the cornerstone of desire or reluctance to attend kindergarten. After all, parents bring the child to breakfast. This is the very regime moment from which the day in kindergarten begins. And if it is associated with negative emotions? Further more. The eating process takes a significant amount of time each day. And there is also preparation for it: wash your hands, sit on the chairs while the nanny arranges the food, remove the plate after you, wash your hands again.
Remember what the first feeling comes when you enter kindergarten? Even on Saturday, when no one is there and the kitchen is closed, it still smells like food! And what about weekdays? This smell meets the child, accompanies him during the day and sees him off in the evening. It's good if the child likes the food. And if not? The whole day can be almost torture.
Educators, as a rule, cannot accept a situation when a child does not even want to try a dish. They are afraid of hungry fainting and parental reactions. Therefore, they try to feed in all possible ways. And I confess that their methods are often associated with significant neuroticization of the child and the consolidation of the problem. Shouts, comparisons with other children, mentions that he will not grow up or get sick, threats - and so every day several times. For the rest, the educator may well be happy with the child, but when it comes to food ...
Why isn't he hungry?
Why do some children refuse to eat in the garden with a tenacity worthy of some other use? According to my observations, in each group there are 1-2 children, about whom they say: "He eats very badly." This means very selective: he has difficulty trying new dishes and never eats what he once did not like.
As a rule, these children and at home are extremely capricious in food, and parents suffer with them, since it is difficult to feed them, simply by preparing something for the family. They constantly demand food that is acceptable to them. In kindergarten, as you understand, it is impossible to do this. They seem to be guided by the principle: it is better to be hungry than to eat anything. For them, unfortunately, the food in the garden is "just about anything."
The basis of nutrition in a children's institution is made up of cereals, soups, all kinds of casseroles, stewed vegetables and cutlets. Now, of course, the diet is changing towards more variety. The form is also changing: yoghurts and curds in glasses, jams, butter, marshmallows in individual packages, so dear to a child's heart, began to appear on tables. And this is one of the steps to get the guys involved in food. Nevertheless, soups and cereals are right there. Why are they so disagreeable to children?
Each child is individual, no one argues with that. Individuality is also manifested in the degree of sensations. For someone, very loud sounds are unpleasant (and he reacts to the raised tone of the teacher, being frightened, even if they were not addressed to him). Someone is annoyed by a bright light. Someone - thorny or uncomfortable clothes. And someone is especially sensitive to smells and tastes of food. Porridge is cooked in milk, and milk, especially in large pots, often burns. And this creates a pungent unpleasant smell and taste.
And if one child, who does not have hypersensitivity, will quite calmly eat burnt porridge, then another one is enough for another, so that later he will not want to try even a normal one. Soup is also not so simple. It contains a lot of fat, as well as not too appetizing onions, carrots and boiled cereals. Many preschoolers do not tolerate "mishmash", although individually they are ready to eat all these foods. The dish should be understandable for them. If there is a lot of things mixed there, a child with a fine taste may refuse to eat it.
Adults only think that he refuses to eat because of stubbornness. In fact, it takes a lot to turn on the normal physiological process of food digestion. First, to like the smell (olfactory system). Secondly, to make the dish look appetizing (visual perception). Already at this moment, the production of saliva and gastric juice begins.
If you don't like the food, there will be no salivation or gastric juice. This means that it is difficult for a child to chew even a tucked spoon of food, especially not liquid food. And the stomach begins to contract, pushing out food that it is not ready to accept. Therefore, it is difficult to feed a child "by force": the benefits of this are hardly greater than abstinence. Children who are forcibly fed often "vomit" at the table, which gives everyone a lot of unpleasant moments.
Sometimes anxious children, even those with normal sensations, also reinforce their reluctance to eat in the garden. In general, they are ready to eat, if not all of the food, then at least part.
For example, they would give up their unloved frothy milk soup but eat pasta and cutlet. But it can be considered bad luck if they come across a particularly "principled" educator who demands from everyone that the plates sparkle with cleanliness.
As a result, the anxious child gets used to eating forcefully, and then may simply refuse to eat.
Mini test: Child and food in the garden
Analyze the statements and tick the appropriate box.
Let's summarize. The more times you say “true”, the more likely it is that the child does not want to go to the garden precisely because of food problems. And you have to do something about it!
What to do with the little one
Much, of course, depends on the educators. It is with them that we, psychologists, talk to increase their psychological literacy. Its foundations lie in simple principles: do not force, do not frighten, do not compare, do not punish with endless sitting over a plate, but only kindly offer and try to arouse interest and positive emotions in food. It does not work - to leave everything as it is. If he does not eat now, then he will eat later at home. What can parents do?
1. While the child is adapting to kindergarten, there is no need to feed him at home in the morning.... The logic is simple: a hungry toddler is more inclined to try kindergarten food than a densely fed one. In addition, breakfast will immediately become an important part of his day in a new place. In the early days, you can give him a piece of apple or bread with tea at home. Even if he does not eat in the kindergarten, you will still pick him up soon. But by the time the child is in the garden at least before lunchtime, homemade breakfasts should be canceled.
2. Better prepare in advance... When preparing a child for kindergarten, you need to acquaint him with the food that will be given there. It is not so rare that there are children who have not seen porridge before, since at home they have breakfast exclusively with sandwiches. So, it's good if cereals and soups at least periodically appear in your family's diet. A child, seeing a familiar dish in the garden, will try it much more willingly. It's not too late to start doing this if you have already encountered a problem: start cooking at home what he does not dare to try in the garden. Perhaps the process will go!
3. Don't make food a cult. In other words, don't make the topic of nutrition stressful. Don't constantly ask what he ate or why he didn't eat again. This can only reinforce the problem, because the child feels your anxiety. It turns out the connection: "anxiety - the theme of food - a sense of danger - unwillingness to eat."
4. Do not scold the child! I had to communicate with parents who tried to solve the problem by force. They scolded and punished the child, for example, not allowing him to eat what he loves at home. They threatened that he would not grow up or get sick. Compared with other children who "do not upset their mother so much, but eat well." Some even went as far as assault! All of these methods are invalid. But most importantly, they are completely ineffective. Even if the child starts eating when intimidated, it will not do him well. Neither physically nor mentally.
If the child refuses to eat in the garden for a long time (for example, for several weeks) and there is no progress, then other recommendations come into force.
1. Reorganize your child's diet and kindergarten. Be sure to feed him in the morning so that he is not hungry for at least the first part of the day. If possible, arrange to bring him lunch in a thermos (this is rarely done in public gardens, but no problem in private gardens). You can somehow do without an afternoon snack, especially if you pick it up not too late. At home, feed him fully.
2. Be sure to visit a gastroenterologist. In cases with "poor appetite", the peculiarities of the functioning of the gastrointestinal tract are often revealed. For this, tests are taken, an ultrasound scan and other studies are carried out. Then the doctor will give you recommendations and prescribe a course of drugs that can improve your appetite.
3. Be sure to talk to your caregivers! They often try to feed the child at any cost, fearing the claims of the parents. So, they should know that you will not have any complaints about this! On the contrary, tune them into a calm perception of the situation and urge them not to touch the child if he is not eating. Otherwise, follow the pattern given in the last chapter. The most important task is to ensure that educators do not contribute to the neurotization of a child who is already having a hard time. And do not be afraid to go to the administration if you are not "heard". You may be asked to move to another group, to more loyal caregivers.
Sleep and walk
We talked about how food can be a serious reason for not wanting to go to kindergarten. But other "regime" moments are no less important. This is a daytime dream and, oddly enough, a walk.
Many children find it difficult to fit in during the day, and from graduates we often hear: "But you don't need to sleep at school!"
Forcing to sleep "according to the schedule" is a difficult test for any preschooler when you need to lie still so as not to incur anger, but it is almost impossible to do this because of the activity of nature.
If sleep is the cornerstone of reluctance, then dealing with it won't be easy. You can hardly persuade a public kindergarten teacher to allow your child to stay awake during the day. There are two options: either pick up before bed, or go to a private kindergarten, where naps are optional.
Walking can be a frustrating moment, too. Or rather, dressing and undressing. There are children whose motor skills prevent them from dressing and undressing at the rhythm expected. There are children with uncomplicated skills due to too much care from adults.
The kid “doesn't dress”, the teacher gets nervous, compares him with others, scolds, and sometimes even remembers the parents who “didn't teach”. All this can cause the child to experience and feel worthless. And you will want to escape from this!
There is only one way out: you need to acquire the necessary skills. Do not help the child in what he should do himself. Exercise reasonable demands at home. And gradually he will learn to do everything faster, which will reduce tension in the garden. And tell the teacher that it is under your control. This is enough for the teacher to stop being indignant and just have patience.
But what about the little girl Vera?
After talking with Vera's mom, I gave her the most important recommendation: “let go” of the food situation. Stop long conversations about how important it is - eat well. Stop beating around the bush about this topic altogether when communicating with your daughter. If possible, feed her in the morning and pick her up early in the evening.
At first, the mother had to talk to the teachers, having ceased to take the guilty position of “sorry-my-child-for-the-inconvenience”. Mom should have been active and finally express her point of view: if she doesn't want to - let her not eat! Moreover, with such a diet, Vera was not an emaciated child and remained active all day in the garden.
I also talked to the teachers. And I heard: “If we don't force Faith, what about the other children? They, too, will not eat looking at her! " I recommended not to force anyone - everyone will be calmer.
Little by little, the situation began to change. Vera became much calmer, and the words “I don’t want to go to kindergarten” gradually disappeared. Now she was going there with pleasure, in the evening preparing dolls, which she would take to play with her friends.
I would like to end the story by saying that Vera began to eat well in the garden. But, alas and ah, this did not happen. She began to eat at least some dishes, which was already an achievement. But at least the girl stopped being nervous and anxious.
SUMMARY: His Majesty Mode
Everything related to food, sleep, walks, activities refers to His Majesty Regime, great and terrible. And parents cannot change it, no matter how much you talk about an individual approach. As they say, the approach is, "and I have more than twenty of them."
If you need a kindergarten, help your child adjust. Seek support from caregivers. They love it when parents show an interest in making things better.
Reluctance to go to kindergarten related to food, sleep or other elements of the regimen is, in general, surmountable.
It is very important that the child has positive stimuli that will help him come to terms with some unpleasant moments. For example, friendships, fun games, or hobbies. Find them together with him, and the "regime" difficulties will be much easier to overcome!
Story four: Tender Tanya
Tanya came to kindergarten in the middle group at the age of 4.5 years. From the first day she conquered the educators with her correct speech and modesty. "What a wonderful girl came to us!" - they said in one voice. But then the problems began. Tanya was bad at dressing on her own. But she did not ask for help, but burst into tears when she did not succeed. There were also problems with food - Tanya was extremely wary. In addition, she knew that they would come for her after dinner (they did not leave the girl to sleep), and understood that they would feed her at home. She was sad, rarely smiled and, it seemed, was just waiting for the moment when her grandmother would knock on the door of the group. But most of all, her mother was upset when Tanya burst into tears at a garden party (the first in her life) and ran to her. Mom came to me with a question: "What to do?" She had just gone to work, and the grandmother was facing a long hospitalization. Tanya just needed to go to the kindergarten. But she didn't want to, she cried and asked to stay at home.
Reason: Overprotective family
A child's affection and love for his family is an undeniable blessing. It is this mutual love that helps him grow and grow stronger, like a flower under the gentle sun. But where is the line when attachment becomes too strong, almost problematic? While the child is in the home world, this may not be obvious. But as soon as he enters the "big world" (and kindergarten is a part of it), then a lot becomes clear. A child accustomed to being led cannot be active. He is anxious, lack of initiative, fearful in the absence of a "support group". He "freezes" and waits out a situation where he is alone, not trying to fit into it. Often such children go to kindergarten later, at 4–5 years old, and in contrast to other children, it is noticeable how undeveloped their self-care skills are. Indeed, their relatives took on a lot, trying to facilitate the process of putting on "naughty" clothes, then eating, then cleaning.
Is it good for such a child in kindergarten? It's not always the same. If he has an active principle and healthy "hooliganism", then he sighs with relief when his mother is hiding behind the door. He adapts quickly after realizing the benefits of kindergarten. Yes, the regime, yes, the rules, but there is much more freedom here! Just a minute ago, he was a dependent goody, and now he is a normal child with mischievous demons in his eyes. Sometimes such that it is not easy for the teacher to restrain them!
But it happens, as is the case with Tanya. The connection between three women - grandmother, mother and Tanya - was so strong that it can be called symbiosis... To put it figuratively, with attachment-symbiosis, the mother perceives the child as if he had not yet been born, as if the umbilical cord still connects them. On separation, even short-term, she reacts with severe depression. Mom (sometimes grandmother) takes too much care of him, not allowing him what he is capable of doing due to his age, and on a walk never lets him go far from himself. Of course, women show their own anxiety about the situation of “separation” when entering the kindergarten, so strong that it is transmitted to the child through the uncircumcised “umbilical cord”.
Symbiotic relationships are the norm for mothers and babies under one year old. The remains can still be seen in the toddlers of the nursery group and their mothers. But when it comes to 3-4-5 year old toddlers, this becomes a problem.
Children who are in symbiotic attachment react very sharply to separation. They cry so that it seems like the heavens have opened. For them, this is a real grief. But their relatives answered the question "Why doesn't he want to go to kindergarten?" rarely ask themselves for an answer. First, they look for external reasons: they do not like the teacher, rough treatment, there is no individual approach. Their anxiety paints bleak pictures: the child sits in a corner, no one wants, and cries. And they are fighting the windmills instead of seeing the real cause.
Mini-test: Is there a hyper-care?
Analyze the statements and tick the appropriate box.
Let's summarize. The more times you said "true", the more likely it is that the reason for the child's reluctance to go to kindergarten is too strong attachment to family members, and not at all "evil" educators or the lack of an individual approach. You have a lot of work to do!
Love without the word "too"
So, the child does not want to go to kindergarten. And the reason is not a "bad" kindergarten, educators and attitude towards him, but the fact that he misses without relatives, without the familiar world with his established routine and care. It's okay as long as it doesn't get too much. The child loves you so much that it prevents him from moving to a new level of independence and independence. How to act so that love remains and the kindergarten ceases to be a hostile place?
1. Give your child independence. Of course, this should have been done much earlier. But it’s not too late now. There is no need to "make things easier" for him by dressing, spoon-feeding and putting away his toys. Love is not petty service at all. Instead, insist that he have responsibilities. Everything that he has to do by age, serving himself, must enter his and your life. Of course, this is not a very fast path. Start with what he will need first of all: dressing himself, food, toilet, cleaning. Making the same demands at home and in the garden will reduce stress.
2. This is a must. Having decided that the child needs to attend kindergarten, it is very important to leave all doubts. Children whose parents are confident in the correctness of their choice adapt faster and easier. They feel they are part of the family system and, if a visit to the kindergarten is necessary, they accept it. It is much worse when a child feels the uncertainty of adults: either it is necessary to walk, or it is not necessary. Of course he will resist. No matter how beautiful the kindergarten is, it's still better at home. Confidence is especially needed for anxious and protective women.
3. Trust the educators. To reduce their own anxiety, overprotective mothers and grandmothers need to know that they are putting their baby in good hands. Therefore, it is especially important to go "to the teacher". This will help both you and your child at first. In moments of doubt, remind yourself that there are good people next to your baby who you can trust.
4. Relive this moment! In the case of hyper-attachment and over-care, adaptation is never easy. But do not give up kindergarten. The child, realizing that he will have to go there, will begin to look for advantages. And they are usually like this: friends, interesting toys, games and activities. Be patient, tame your own anxiety, and trust that your child will get used to it. And after a while, perhaps, he will go to the kindergarten with pleasure.
But what about gentle Tanya?
I talked to my mother, and my main task was to reduce her anxiety. Indeed, without this, the process "would not have started." If the connection is too close, then emotions are transmitted through it at the speed of an electric current. Mom will calm down - it will be easier for Tanya. I spoke about the teachers of the group, emphasizing their exceptional professional and personal qualities (without embellishing, Tanya was really lucky). She talked about how the day goes in the kindergarten, what requirements are imposed on children and what rules exist. Mom felt calmer. I motivated her to give her daughter more independence and stimulate her to develop the necessary skills. I also recommended playing with the girl at home on a “day in the garden”, taking her favorite dolls or soft toys. Play the path from the beginning of the day (getting up) to when mom picks up her daughter from the garden. This game is a real lifesaver for children while adapting to kindergarten. She helps to calm down not only them, but also the parents!
Gradually, the situation began to change. Tanya began to "open up", to communicate more willingly both with the teachers and with the girls from the group. She had girlfriends, whom she talked about at home and with whom she wanted to see. I began to stay until afternoon tea. Mom and grandmother rejoiced at the growing independence of the girl. They were ready to "let go" of her, and the kindergarten helped them with this. Tanya joined the group and after a few months she felt quite comfortable.
SUMMARY: Time to let go
As they grow older, the child takes steps towards independence. At the same time, attachment to relatives remains, but their guardianship should become less. The problem is that it can be difficult for parents to allow the child to become more independent, although he himself is already ready for this. One of the key points is entering kindergarten. And it is better to loosen the bonds in advance so that the baby feels more confident. Petty care is more of a hindrance, and not only in this case. The child becomes anxious, insecure, shy. Therefore, if your relationship retains an overwhelming degree of custody, it is worth weakening it. Everyone will benefit from this: both you and the child. He will have no fear of going out into the “big world”, of which the kindergarten is a part.
Story five: offended Vasya
Vasya is 6 years old, he came to the preparatory group from another kindergarten. Vasya is a fat boy and wears glasses. He immediately fell under the gun of the "scoffers" - a group of guys led by Vlad. They began to call him "fat" and "bespectacled." Of course, the teacher, as best she could, scolded Vlad and his team, but they still secretly continued their work. An indignant mother came to see a psychologist with a request to "somehow influence these children." It turns out that Vasya, who had no problems in the old kindergarten, where he went from the nursery group, now refuses to go to the new kindergarten.
Reason: "They insult me!"
Many children get very offended if they are teased. Teasers are the norm and are difficult to avoid both in the garden and at school. But some people overreact to them. Especially sensitive children may refuse to go to kindergarten if someone has chosen them to be the target of ridicule.
What particular features that serve for verbal "injections" do children note in each other?
● features of appearance: "fat man", "skeleton", "redhead", "oblique". And also the characteristics associated with accuracy ("dirty", "slob", "shaggy");
● features of behavior. "Turtle", "crybaby", "coward", "greedy", "fighter" - these words show intolerance to the character traits or behavior of another child;
● national question. In this case, children "pick up" words of intolerance from adults. It is from their submission that they pay attention to the color of the eyes and hair and draw wrong conclusions on the basis of this;
● gender and age. "Girl" can be teased by a boy who is friends with girls, it is also synonymous with "crybaby". And "baby" or "little" is often used synonymously with the word "stupid";
● intelligence and success. If the child is neither active, nor good communication skills, nor achievements in the classroom, then he may hear: "dumb", "loser", "bore", "quiet".
Why do children tease each other? It is far from always behind this there is a desire to really offend another child or to assert himself at his expense. Sometimes it's just a fun game for both of you, and no one gets hurt if it ends in time. Sometimes - a test of strength: what exactly will he say in response, will he be able to defend himself, defend his place in the group? Another motive is to attract the attention of adults.
There may be envy: you have something, but I do not, so at least I will call you a name in order to "restore justice." Or a splash of aggression: you didn't want to give me the car, so I called you!
Some children take teasing even closer to their hearts than hitting them. After all, the soul feels more subtle than the body. And this can become a reason for reluctance to meet with the one who hurts her.
Such guys would rather prefer avoidance than direct confrontation with the abuser. And "escape" can be expressed in unwillingness to attend kindergarten.
Mini-test: Does the child suffer from ridicule
Analyze the statements and tick the appropriate box.
Let's summarize. The more times you say "true", the more likely it is that the reason for the child's reluctance to go to kindergarten is the ridicule of other children. We need to help him!
Defeat the mockingbirds
The victim of teasers always has some striking difference from others, which provokes attacks. But the feature is not the main thing. It is very important how the child himself relates to this feature, how he reacts to teasing in his address. The situation is consolidated if he does not try to cope with it, shows obvious resentment, does not make attempts to correct what he is laughing at, if it is in his power, and does not turn to adults for help.
To begin with, parents should remember that “you cannot put a scarf on someone else’s mouth,” which means that “pedagogical” suggestions to child abusers are unlikely to bring results. Fighting other children is like fighting windmills: the same useless but energy-consuming activity. If their parents are not willing to work to make the child more tolerant, or even encourage his behavior, then your efforts will be in vain.
What can you do?
1. If features of appearance or behavior can be changed, this must be done. An overweight child can be helped to overcome this deficiency by reviewing his diet, and, if necessary, consult a doctor. Is the child being teased "sloppy"? Here it is the direct responsibility of the parents to better monitor his appearance. If we are talking about the peculiarities of behavior, then you need to think about how to help the child become more proactive, sociable, active. Think about the reasons for the teasers and help fix the situation.
2. Change your point of view. When we are talking not about a disadvantage, but about a feature (hair color, nose length, freckles, glasses), then you need to reorient the child's perception, making the “disadvantage” an advantage. You can tell a redhead that he looks like the sun. If the child wears glasses, be sure to note that he is very solid. By the way, the Harry Potter saga reconciled with the glasses of many children. A kid who is being teased on a national basis needs to develop pride in relation to his native nationality. If he confidently and ardently rushes to defend not so much himself as his people, the offenders will quickly calm down.
3. Teach to perceive reality. There are situations when nothing can be changed. Then you need to reconcile the child with the fact that his appearance is special. It's not easy, but this is the way out. Then the "pricks" of the teasing will not hurt him much. And other children, seeing that their mischief does not cause resentment or tears, will cease to bother. Zdenek Matejček, a Czech psychologist, writes: “Our educational goal is not to protect the child from interest and curious glances, but to take his unusualness as a self-evident part of his Self and live with her, not paying attention to her. attention and without making it a problem. "
4. Form an adequate self-esteem! Studies by American psychologists have shown that children with adequate self-esteem are usually more readily accepted by their peers than those with too high or low self-esteem, and these are the characteristics of children-“victims”. Talking about a child's self-esteem is too long a topic to fit into a short recommendation. But too low self-esteem must be increased, instilling in the child confidence in his strengths and capabilities. And too high - to reduce to adequate. Then the child will acquire the ability to understand the real level of his capabilities and requirements that he can put forward to others.
Let him react!
It is you who can teach the child to respond to name names effectively, that is, so that teasers do not gain a foothold:
● ignoring. The child is called names, but he pretends not to hear. However, one must have strong nerves in order not to "explode" later;
● responding in an unusual way. For example, if a child is being teased "Turtle!", You might answer with one of the options: "Turtle? Actually, my name is Vanya, and we can search for a turtle together, ”or“ Nice to meet you, Turtle. And my name is Vanya ";
● talk. Let the child say to another: "Why do you want to offend me?" But this method works better at an older age;
● learn excuses. A very effective option especially for preschoolers. It is necessary to learn excuses with the child - short rhymes that allow you to respond with dignity, while neither showing offense, nor getting involved in reciprocal insults.
"Whoever calls himself names like that, he himself is called that."
"Black cash register, I have the key, who calls himself names!"
"There was a crocodile, he swallowed your word, and left mine."
If the child boldly enters the "battle" with the help of excuses, the teasers about him are not fixed. And in general, it is worth orienting the child to an active reaction. Not necessarily rude, but active. Only in this case, the offenders will understand that they have chosen the wrong “victim”. Perhaps they will make several attempts, but if he holds out, he will defend his place in the group. And the desire to run away from the offenders will also disappear!
But what about the offended Vasya?
So, Vasya's mother was burning with righteous anger and demanded “to do something”. And she was unexpectedly asked how they in the family tried to help Vasya. This puzzled her: after all, they tease him in kindergarten, and educators and a psychologist must figure it out! So, of course, so. But in the course of the conversation, I managed to somewhat change her opinion. As a psychologist working with children, it seems to me that it is necessary for parents to be helpers in solving any problem that manifests itself in kindergarten. When a parent realizes that he can influence the situation and help the child in some way, this instills optimism in him. So I gave Vasily's mom the recommendations that you have already read above. She especially liked the excuses. It turned out that they are struggling with excess weight and are regularly examined by a doctor.
For our part, the educators and I took control of the situation. Of course, we drew the children's attention to the inadmissibility of such behavior. But special methods were also involved: inventing, acting out and discussing a special fairy tale, where exactly Vlad played the role of the Fat Hippo. We also played special games "for cooperation", and Vasya found himself paired with his offenders.
What exactly influenced the situation, which began to change within a week? It is impossible to answer exactly. Probably all together: the attention and help of parents, psychological techniques, the desire of educators to cope with the problem, as well as the strength of character of Vasya himself. Is he being teased now? Yes sometimes. But he learned to react, translating everything into a joke and general laughter. This is probably why they tease them to laugh a little with someone who is ready for fun, and not for offense.
SUMMARY: Let him win!
Of course, it is very unpleasant when a child is the object of attention for "evil tongues". Parents are outraged: “Why are these children allowed to behave like this? Why are they mocking our child? Why are they allowed to belittle others? " But I want to stop the flow of righteous anger. No, children are not allowed any of this. But in every group, and then in every class, and even in adult life, there are a lot of such people! And it is better for the child to learn how to respond effectively to attacks already at preschool age. Then, as he grows up, he will only increase his potential and will never become a "victim".
Of course, he will have to go through a period of helplessness and not understanding what to do and how to act. He will try different ways. And it's good if parents become helpers and a "support group". Having learned to fend off attacks, he will feel much more confident, and the "escape from the kindergarten" will be stopped!
And a few more reasons "for a snack"
So, I've told you five stories that illustrate the five most popular reasons for not wanting to go to kindergarten. There are also children who have a very difficult time in the kindergarten. And they, too, can declare: “I don’t want to!”
Aggressive children. It is difficult with them for both the children and the educators, since they prefer not to talk, but to beat. Often, educators themselves "move" them away from communicating with others, so as not to provoke conflicts and trauma. Sometimes these children are friends "by interests", creating groups that are always ready to fight with others.
Recommendation: We need to work on reducing aggression in behavior! But first, find out its reasons. They can be very different. Family: rejection by parents (unwanted child); indifference; oppressive parenting style; relationship problems; disrespect for the personality of the child. Personal: lack of confidence in their own safety (perceives another child as a source of real danger); subconscious sense of danger; emotional instability, etc. It is best in this case to turn to a psychologist - both for diagnostics and for recommendations that will help to cope with the problem.
Shy children. Such guys prefer contemplation rather than active communication. They are rarely considered problematic. Moreover, because of their calmness and correctness, they often receive praise from educators, which supports their "rating". They have few friends, but they are very true to their affections. The reason these children do not want to go to kindergarten is that they are often teased by more active children, which causes resentment. But they can hardly stand up for themselves!
Recommendation: To begin with, it is worth finding out whether the child is truly shy or not. If she prevents him from communicating, defending his opinion and himself, it is worth working with this. How - you can't write in one paragraph. And of course, you need to teach shy children to reflect teasers. Excuse phrases, prepared and rehearsed at home, are best suited for them.
Hyperactive children. It is difficult for other guys with them, since they do not concentrate on the goal of the game, they quickly lose its "thread", do not want to follow the rules. They are too mobile, prefer to hit rather than talk. And too inattentive to do tasks well and follow the rules. They often receive complaints from the teacher in the presence of the whole group, and therefore other children treat them with disdain. They are often teased or simply repeated by the teacher's words, which causes "flashes" followed by another punishment.
Recommendation: I wrote a whole book about hyperactive children, which contains many recommendations. Of course, you need to communicate a lot with educators in order to explain the reasons for the child's behavior. And, of course, to defend his interests so that he is not a constant target for criticism and reproaches. It is also necessary to take care of his health, to be regularly observed by a neurologist, following all the recommendations. Improving the child's condition immediately improves the quality of his life and communication.
"Inconvenient" children... Such guys do not want to follow the rules and do their best to resist them. Either by ignoring, now by disobedience. They hate everything that needs to be done "on schedule" and "in orderly rows." They are essentially individualists. Educators are often angry with them and criticize them. Of course, as a result of this, some of the guys in the group begin to consider them "bad". But “uncomfortable” children often have bright personalities and become informal leaders, despite the attitude of the educators. Although being in kindergarten can become problematic for them.
Recommendation: Try to maintain the credibility of the caregivers at home. If a self-willed child does not feel respect for an adult, he will never accept his requests and instructions. It may be worth choosing the kind of educators whom you yourself respect, and the kind of kindergarten where there are no rules that you yourself would consider “strange”. Such a child can be guided into the mainstream of learning the rules only if you are completely sure of their appropriateness. Use your strength to explain "why and why" to him, rather than just insist on doing them.
Children who are often ill. If a child is at home more than goes to kindergarten, then it is difficult for him to join the team. A child of 2–3 years old is simply “forgotten” by peers from the group. Older children form strong friendships of interest by bringing toys and organizing games. Often a sick child cannot fit into them. He, as it were, remains "a stranger" - those who come for a short time. Of course, he doesn't feel very comfortable!
Recommendation: These children usually have relatives who do not work. It has been noticed that the more busy the parents are and the sooner they need to go to work, the less often and less long-term children get sick. Do not keep your child at home just "to get stronger." More often than not, this measure not only does not help, but also interferes. After all, natural immunity is developed and maintained in an "active" environment. If, however, your child often misses kindergarten, try to organize informal communication. Invite the guys from his group to visit, walk on the playgrounds where you can meet friends from the kindergarten. So he will not be alone and confused, returning after an illness to his group.
Children with loneliness inside. There are children with little need for communication with anyone. This is the makeup of their personality. They don't need anyone - neither children nor adults. For them, the whole world is themselves. Of course, they are much more comfortable at home than in the kindergarten, where other guys are constantly making noise nearby. Hermit children are also often attacked by peers. Perhaps this is their way of trying to stir up the "loner".
Recommendation: Don't let your child stay in their shell for too long. He just needs communication, both direct and (at least) observation of how others communicate. If possible, the child can relieve the regimen by picking him up after lunch. If not, then as early as possible in the evening. And of course, talk to him about the kindergarten and the children, trying to arouse his interest and positive attitude.
Another reason for the child's reluctance to go to kindergarten may be temporary situation in communication with other children... For example, Pasha wants to be friends with Senya, and Senya is friends with Egor and Pasha “does not let him in”. Or Sveta quarreled with her best friend Dasha. Or Vitya was given the role of Kolobok at the holiday, and he wanted to play the Wolf. A temporary situation may also be related to the child's feeling of guilt. For example, he accidentally hit another baby in the eyes with sand and was afraid of his tears. Or he took a toy from the garden without asking and is now afraid of exposure. Or he somehow broke a hook in the closet and fears punishment. In general, we are talking about something situational, but which caused deep feelings of the child. The main thing in this case is to understand and help. The best thing is to listen to him and give the opportunity to come up with a way out yourself. And of course, support him!
And “for sweetness” one more reason: the theme of kindergarten and unwillingness to attend it is one of the favorite among manipulative children. In other words, child manipulates parents, saying: "I will not go to the kindergarten!" The reasons may vary. The desire to attract the attention of too busy parents. The desire to divert the attention of the parents from a topic that was inconvenient for him (for example, "why did you not put your toys away again"). Desire to “push the button” after getting a familiar reaction. Desire to receive some kind of reward for consent (some seriously pay "salary" for attending kindergarten). Sometimes the manipulation is unconscious, so you should not consider the child a far-sighted "villain". But sometimes it is repeated so often that it becomes clear: he is doing this quite deliberately. Moreover, the educators can say that the child is comfortable in the kindergarten: he is having fun, playing, playing naughty and not being noticed at all in sadness and sadness. How to deal with manipulation by children is a vast topic. But in the context of our story, it is important to know that the kindergarten has nothing to do with it.
SUMMARY: Round dance of reasons
So, there are not so few reasons for not wanting to go to kindergarten. But almost all of them present temporary difficulties that attentive parents can cope with. You've already seen the mini-tests that were in every story. But I will share in the most important, secret way. Just invite your child to play kindergarten. On your part - a minimum of activity. Bring the toys and get ready: the fun is about to begin! The child in his play will show you what he will never tell you about when answering questions. And also what educators are always silent about. By observing, you can find out that the teacher yells at the children while they eat. That one of the boys constantly offends the others. That there is a girl with whom I would like to be friends, but it does not work out. That he got scared by pushing another boy and felt guilty. In general, everything secret will become apparent. Several such games - and the picture will be clear to you. And this is half the success!
3. To like it!
Parents can do a lot to make their child comfortable in kindergarten. And then the problem of unwillingness to visit him can be avoided. In other words, “disease” is easier to prevent than to cure!
Preparing for admission!
It would seem that a kindergarten is not an institute or even a school. Is preparation needed here as well? Of course! After all, the adaptation process, which we have already talked about, will go much smoother if you prepare the child in advance.
1. Do you need a kindergarten? Decide whether your family really needs the child to go to kindergarten right now. If you are not sure, your emotions will be passed on to your baby, and it will be worse for him to adapt. Doubts for several months (“Maybe it's better not to go? ..”) will play a cruel joke in September. The easiest way to get used to kindergarten is children whose parents cannot offer them a replacement in the form of home education or a nanny. These parents feel inner confidence: “Where to go? You need to walk, and will walk! " It is this confidence that is passed on to the baby.
2. "Regular" moments. I have heard from young mothers: “Why am I going to torture the child in advance? On September 1, we will get up at 7.30 and everything will be fine! " Unfortunately, most likely it will not be “excellent”. Sleep is one of the main regulators of all activity during the day. And a child, woken up at an unusually early time, on the very first day will experience the strongest negative attitude towards the kindergarten. Bring your home regimen closer to your future gardening regimen at least a month before admission. If you are not used to waking your child up in the morning, be sure to start doing it. At first, you may not be doing it at 7.30, but now you both have to get used to the fact that you decide when to wake up. Cheerful music and a favorite toy will help to create a good mood in the morning. Surprisingly, children often listen to a teddy bear better than their own mother! Adjust the walking time taking into account the fact that children walk in the kindergarten from 10.30 to 11.45. Also change the time you fall asleep during the day and evening, if necessary. Remember that in the garden, children go to bed around 13:00 and wake up after 15:00.
3. Food is our everything! Bring your child's home diet closer to that of the kindergarten. Remember that the basis is a variety of cereals with milk, soups, cutlets and casseroles (meat, fish, cottage cheese), stewed vegetables (white cabbage and cauliflower with green peas or potatoes), sandwiches with butter. Try to introduce your child to these dishes at home, and then he will be more supportive of them in the future. Also switch to 4 meals a day if it was different before. The diet in the kindergarten is structured as follows: breakfast at 8.15–8.30, lunch at 12.30, afternoon tea at 15.30.
4. What about health? Children who do not have congenital and chronic diseases, as well as rarely suffer from ARVI, adapt best of all. Get doctors' recommendations. Perhaps, it will be necessary to introduce into the complex training the reception of fortifying agents, physical education, massage.
5. Essential skills. Adaptation is easier for those children who:
● they know how to eat and drink themselves. While there is time, teach your child to eat on their own if you have spoon-fed them frequently. Believe me, the child will not voluntarily starve, in a few days he will start eating himself;
● know how to partially dress and undress. Use the "small steps" technique: on the first day, you put on the pantyhose almost to the end, so that the child only needs to pull them up a little. Praise your child for their success. The next day, you leave the pantyhose slightly lower and praise again when the child is up to the task. In a week you can teach your baby this difficult task. And so - with every item of clothing;
● ask for a pot or stay dry until an adult reminds you of the pot. Try to potty train your baby (they write a lot about how to do this now);
● know how to fall asleep on their own. Start in advance, the main thing here is gradualness;
● know how to occupy themselves with some kind of game. Teach the baby this. You can start the game with him, and then go away on "important" matters. If a child can occupy himself for a while, as well as continue the game started with an adult, this is a good sign. For a child to be able to play on his own, he first needs to play with an adult. The age of 1.5–2.5 years is the age of cognition of properties and actions with objects. A child who has not been shown how to play will not do it himself, because he cannot! The first step to being independent in play is to play with your toddler.
6. Communication, communication and communication again! Prepare your baby to interact with other children and adults. Be in different places where strangers are present. If earlier you preferred to walk separately, now go with your baby to playgrounds, children's parks, clubs. Take it with you when you visit.
● Watch how he interacts with adults, with other children. Pay special attention to how he develops a new space (huddles up to you, asks for support, or begins to explore on his own). If the child is fearful, walk with him through an unfamiliar room, introduce him to other children, offer a joint game. Call other children by name (Olya, Misha, Vova), ask about them. Teach your child to turn to people for help, to cooperate.
7. What is a kindergarten? You can hear how, in response to your question: "Do you want to go to kindergarten?" - the child firmly answers: "YES!" This does not mean at all that he is ready for this. The kid just doesn't know what it is. He does not understand that he will have to part with his mother and be under the care of a teacher and surrounded by other children all day.
● Tell him about the kindergarten, and in as much detail as possible. The game "A Day in the Garden" will help you with this. Take soft toys and play: here the Bear wakes up her Bear in the morning, they wash, dress, go to the kindergarten. Let the Belka teacher and other children-toys meet them there. Play out the moment your mom leaves, the goodbye ritual that you will use in the future (for example, kiss, say "bye," smile and wave your hand). Then show how the kids go to the pots, eat breakfast, play, walk, come from a walk, have dinner, go to bed, etc., until the moment their mother arrives. Attention! The game should not be interrupted until you have lost the moment of mom's return. Parting with mom is the most traumatic moment, and the child must firmly remember: mom always comes back. This game will help him understand what kindergarten is.
8. Books about kindergarten. Read books to your child about how children (or animals) were going to kindergarten. Such books are now on sale. By listening to stories about cute characters, the kid will create a positive image of the kindergarten. These books will be very useful to you, especially during the first month of your visit.
9. See with your own eyes. Introduce the kid to the kindergarten. When you pass by, each time say that he will go exactly here. Tell us how interesting it will be, how many new toys there will be. Children really like the stories that there are special little things in the kindergarten: chairs, tables, toilet bowls, cribs. You can even take a walk on the grounds of the garden or at least walk along the paths.
10. Who are our educators? Don't miss out on getting to know your caregivers ahead of time. Find out about their teaching position. To do this, ask them questions that excite you (you can write questions so as not to forget), and do not be satisfied with the stereotyped “Don't worry, Mommy!”. Speak very politely and respectfully. Try to get the information that interests you. After all, the educator is the person to whom you will entrust the most precious thing. Separately discuss the question of whether it is accepted in the kindergarten the presence of the mother in the first 2-3 days. If so, it will allow you to be less anxious yourself, knowing that you can be around. Also discuss the issues of "garden" wardrobe, so that you can slowly pick up shoes and clothes. Ask if the children are being helped and if they are being fed if they don’t want to. Express your wishes.
● Be sure to find out what the names of the caregivers are, and when telling your child about the kindergarten, use not the vague “educator”, but “Aunt Ira” (if it’s a nursery school) or “Irina Ivanovna” (if the younger group). It is good if the baby can also get to know these people in advance.
11. Fast separation. Prepare the child for the moment of "detachment" from himself. In my practice, there was a case when a mother and her baby did not part until they entered the garden. They went to the store together, went to visit together, etc. In general, they had no experience of separation at all. And of course, the moment of separation was very traumatic for both. Tyoma cried all day long, did not go to the toys, almost did not react to anything, being in his grief. And only special help eased the situation by allowing the baby to attend kindergarten and his mother to go to work.
● It is very important that you both have a separation and meeting experience by the time you start kindergarten. Gradually begin to entrust the care of the baby to other relatives, starting from a few hours, gradually increasing the time. Then you can "practice" by sending the baby to visit grandma for a few days.
12. When to work? Already now, it is necessary to plan at least the first three months of the baby's stay in the garden. And it's good if at this time you do not rush to work. Take the first month to help your child gradually adapt. You won't be able to leave it in the garden for the whole day the first time. The soft adaptation scheme is as follows: the first days - visiting the kindergarten for 1-2 hours and better for a walk, while you are walking somewhere nearby. Then you can bring the baby to breakfast and leave until you return from the walk. After another 1-2 days, subject to good adaptation, leave it until lunchtime. Only next week can you try to leave the baby to sleep, picking him up before afternoon tea. And after another 1-2 days, come for him after an afternoon snack. It is necessary to bring the stay in the garden to 17-18.00 during the week. Thus, you will need at least 2 weeks to leave your baby for a full day, provided that you adapt well. In other cases, this process can take up to a month.
Also, you should consider that the baby is likely to get sick in the first two weeks of visiting the garden. It will take time for him to recover from being at home with you. It is unreasonable to take a half-sick child to the kindergarten until he has adapted. He's likely to get sick frequently over the next few months, and it's best if you can treat him at home without worrying about what they think of you at work.
As the saying goes, he who is forewarned is armed. Now you have every opportunity to properly prepare your baby for such an important event in his life as entering kindergarten. Hope you have more stars than thorns along the way!
Parents: "5" for the attitude!
Probably no one will argue with how important contact between people is. And the relationship that develops between the parent and the caregiver of his child is the cornerstone. Perhaps peace and harmony, and perhaps a future conflict. From my experience with educators, I can say that they always take into account what kind of parents the child is. It's one thing: "His mother will always ask, take an interest, and she will listen to us." And something completely different: "She doesn't even say hello!" If you have good contact with the teacher, this will save your child from many problems. If the parent and the educator are "on the same wavelength", if the educator feels respect from the parent, then the problem of "bias" usually does not arise. Much depends on your position, including mutual benevolence.
1. Politeness is the foundation of constructive communication. Strange, but some parents do not consider it necessary either to greet or say goodbye to the teacher, although the use of "magic" words is the basis of cultural communication, which is taught in childhood. Unfortunately, the problem of rudeness and sometimes rudeness of parents is not so rare. Remember that you are an example for the baby. Do not forget to smile, be friendly, say "thank you", "please" while communicating with the teacher, and wish you a pleasant weekend on Friday night.
2. Follow the requirements. In kindergarten, there are a number of requirements for parents that should be met:
● baby's things should be neat and suitable in size... The baby can get dirty, and this is a natural process, especially for young toddlers. Therefore, make sure that there is always a supply of clothes in the locker for an "emergency" case;
● if something is to be bought and brought, then it must be done in a timely manner, for example: physical education, gym shoes, paints, brushes, album and other items for creativity. If the child does not have what is necessary, this puts stress on the work of the caregiver. Think about your child: he is offended that everyone has, but he does not;
● kindergarten fees must be paid on time. The fact is that educators must provide information about the payment by the parents of the kindergarten in full. It is not easy for a teacher to work, including with your child, if because of your "forgetfulness" she had to be "on the carpet" with the authorities. And if such cases are repeated often, what is her opinion of her parents?
● if the child is sick, you need to call and warn. This is a common requirement in all kindergartens and should not be ignored. It is in your power to make the teacher's work a little more convenient, and also not to overpay for the extra marked days.
3. Maintain the authority of the caregiver. Unfortunately, there is a category of parents who communicate downright with the teacher. It is worth remembering that the child adopts the manner of communication of adults and may begin to show obvious disrespect to the teacher. Therefore, conflicts begin that could well have been avoided if mom had taken a different position in communication. Even if you think that the teacher is wrong in something, try to maintain his authority if you are not going to transfer the baby to another group or kindergarten. The rules are simple: with the child, the teacher is either good or nothing; all controversial issues are discussed with the teacher one-on-one.
4. Show interest in your child's life in the garden. Parents who are interested in their children themselves ask the teacher how the child behaves, how he is engaged, what difficulties and successes he has. Educators treat such parents with special respect, which is reflected in communication with children.
5. Show interest in group affairs. Educators appreciate the parents who are ready to help the kindergarten. And this is not only about material assistance. Help to decorate the group for the holiday, fix the sandbox, hang curtains - in these and other matters, the help of parents is always of particular value. Both mothers and fathers who are ready to help enjoy special respect from the educator.
So, parents themselves must make an effort to prepare the basis for conflict-free communication. If you are impolite, do not fulfill reasonable demands, do not maintain authority, do not take an interest in the child and the affairs of the group, can you expect to receive respectful response in return? Most likely no. Try to adhere to these recommendations, be friendlier, and many problems can be avoided.
Mistakes not worth making
Sometimes parents make mistakes that lead to the fact that the child begins to fear the kindergarten. What cannot be done?
1. You can't show your child your anxiety. It is necessary to exclude all statements such as: "Poor thing, you have to go to kindergarten!", "How are you in kindergarten without your mother?" Don't say it yourself and don't let the "well-wishers" say that to your little one. Also, do not discuss the topic of how anxious you are with your girlfriends in front of a child. Even if he does not understand all the phrases, he is able to highlight the keywords "kindergarten", "educator" and associate them with your worried expression on your face. And he can gain confidence: kindergarten is bad and dangerous.
2. You can not frighten the kindergarten."When you go to the kindergarten, they will show you how to disobey!" Parents use such phrases as an "educational" measure: if you scare him, he will listen better. One can say about such parents: "They do not know what they are doing." Yes, perhaps in this situation the child obeyed. But the damage was done to him for a long time! Now the child knows for sure: the kindergarten is a dangerous place where I will scold him, punish him, and maybe beat him. Would he want to go there?
3. You can not criticize the kindergarten and educators in front of the child. Perhaps you don't like kindergarten and educators too much, but for some reason you cannot choose another. Well, you have to put up with what is. It would be a mistake to discuss your displeasure in front of the child. Otherwise, your mood will be transferred to him, and he will perceive the atmosphere in the kindergarten as unfriendly. Try to generally less discuss gardening problems with the child, this is only able to disorient him.
4. You can't cheat on a child saying that you will “pick it up early” if you don’t intend to. Let him know better that mom will not come soon than lose confidence in you.
Instead of a conclusion: Good luck!
I hope you have gathered a lot of useful information from this book that can help you. Someone to resolve the situation with the reluctance to go to kindergarten. And for someone - to prevent such a situation. Finally, I want to tell you one more story.
Nursery group, September. Crying babies, and you don't know who will be the first to calm down. I would like to take in an armful, hug everyone at once and caress them "wholesale". And tell their mothers with sad eyes that all this will surely pass, you just need to believe and help your kids a little.
... Preparatory group, already adults, ceremonial 6-7-year-old children. They read poetry, sing songs about school. And now the teachers are crying, furtively wiping away their tears with handkerchiefs stored in advance. And pride: raised, led along the path of preschool childhood! And a memory: they came to us as crying babies, but they became serious people!
Even if at some stage in the "sadistic" life a child has problems, do not despair and do not rush to abandon kindergarten. After a while, already looking back, you will understand that everything was surmountable. Don't try to be "one soldier in the field". If the problem concerns a kindergarten, then take educators, a psychologist and other teachers as your allies. And of course, believe in your child. After all, together we are power!
Acknowledgments
Many thanks to all my friends, acquaintances and colleagues who shared their parenting experience with me. Without your help, this book would not be so interesting!
And, of course, I sincerely thank my family: my husband Dmitry for support and inspiration in those moments when I was especially tired, the children - Vlad, Oleg and Anya - for being sympathetic to the fact that my mother works, my parents and my husband's parents for always being ready to help.
Notes (edit)
Vasilkina Julia. What to do if the child is fidgety. M .: Eksmo, 2012.
